Foolish children are a grief to their father and bitterness to her who bore them- Proverbs 17:25 NRSVUE
There is a worldwide epidemic of adult children raised in Christian homes who have defected from the Christian faith their parents devotedly sowed into them.
Many of these adult children have deconstructed loudly and proudly. This group is openly critical of all things Christian and politically conservative. Many have adopted lifestyles and opinions completely antithetical to biblical Christianity. It is not unusual for young adults in this group to formally estrange from family members for voting the “wrong way” or attending the “wrong church”. Other young adult apostates have taken a less dramatic route and have quiet-quit Christianity. These adult children rarely discuss their decision to defect from Christianity; they just do it. They do not attend church, read their Bibles or pray. If a parent inquires, about their child’s beliefs or church attendance they just kind of shrug their shoulders and change the subject.
Moms and Dads are understandably rattled by this turn of events. Most were loving and devoted Christian parents. None were perfect (no parent is) but most did their level-best to love their children well, teach them biblical truth and pass on their faith.
In one sense this turn of events should surprise no one. The New Testament clearly predicts a mass apostasy (defection from the faith) just prior to the return of Jesus (1st Timothy 4:1-3, 2nd Thessalonians 2:3, 2nd Peter 3:3-4). Jesus also made it clear His teachings can bring deep division and conflict to families (Matthew 10:38, Luke 12:53). Moreover, we live in an anti-God, anti-family, throw away anything that “isn’t working for you” kind of a culture. We are (in my opinion) very likely living in the days of a fulfillment of prophetic Scripture (2nd Timothy 3:1-5, Matthew 24:10-13). Sadly, knowing these facts doesn’t make it any reality any easier to deal with.
Thankfully, none of these realities mean all is lost. People change, God is powerful and if a person is breathing there is hope for their soul. Being the parent of a spiritually wayward adult child requires discernment and strategic thinking (Matthew 10:16). It is critical we remember we live in a world embroiled in brutal spiritual warfare (Ephesians 2:1-3, 1st Peter 5:8, James 4:7). Every parent in these situations must put on their armor (Ephesians 6:10-18) and do the following:
Avoid manipulation and control-
There are a plethora of reasons attempting to manipulate or control an adult child is a terrible idea (Proverbs 28:26). Control and manipulation will not work (it might make things worse). It will breed resentment over time (Ephesians 6:4). It does not recognize or honor an adult child’s agency (Matthew 7:12). In some situations, a parent’s attempt to manipulate or control may even interfere with what God is attempting to do in the child’s life (Luke 15:11-32). As parents of adult children, we must recognize adult children have the right to be wrong (John 12:48). They also have the right to reject God and His offer of salvation if that’s what they want to do. We must honor those rights.
Own what you need to own but don’t take more blame than you deserve-
We live in a culture where parents are expected to be perfect all the time. Many now-grown children have appointed themselves judge and jury of what was and was not perfect parenting. As a result, parents are often despised by their children for what most folks felt at the time was appropriate discipline and solid parenting. This can leave parents of adult kids with crippling guilt over a past they can’t change and choices that made sense at the time. It’s critical parents own what needs to be owned and leave the rest in God’s hands. All parents make mistakes, many were too harsh, didn’t always listen well, disciplined in anger, took bad advice from experts and just generally acted like flawed human beings (Romans 3:23). If after some reflection and prayer you realize you made a mistake: own it and apologize. However, there is no reason to beat yourself up over things that cannot be changed. Instead, choose to honor God in the present by transforming into a better, healthier version of yourself now (Colossians 3, Romans 12, 2nd Peter 1:3-11).
Pray for them-
In one sense adult children who have rejected God are no different than any other unbeliever. The number one thing Christians are commanded to do for the unbelieving is to pray for them. It is also important to note that as parents we have intimate understanding of our adult children. This gives parents special insight into their child’s needs and makes their prayers all the more powerful. Our greatest responsibility is always to pray like a crazy person (1st Thessalonians 5:17, James 5:16, 1st Peter 4:7) and trust God to do what only He can do.
Earn the right to have conversations with them-
One oftentimes valid criticism adult kids have with their parents is that they did not always listen well to their children growing up (James 1:19). It’s never too late to change direction and become a good listener. Doing so will not only earn you the right to speak into their lives, it will also empower you to speak with true wisdom as you do (Psalm 37:30).
Be faithful in your own spiritual life-
Because our world is such a flaming-hot mess right now it has never been more important for God’s people to be faithful and do their best to live godly lives (Philippians 1:9-12, Philippians 2:12-15). This is even more true for parents who have adult children who have rejected God. A parents continued fidelity to Jesus stands as a powerful testimony that will speak long after the parent is gone.
And finally, and most crucially, we must learn to trust the Lord with our kids. It helps to remember that God loves them way more than we do. He also has far more knowledge about how to get them on the narrow path of righteousness than we do (Matthew 7:13-14, Isaiah 55:8-9). When we trust God to do what only He can do we give Him all the space He needs to work on the hearts of our wayward kids (Jeremiah 31:16-17).
