Category: Family

Loving an Adult Child who has Rejected God-

Lisa M. PriceLeave a comment

Foolish children are a grief to their father and bitterness to her who bore them- Proverbs 17:25 NRSVUE 

There is a worldwide epidemic of adult children raised in Christian homes who have defected from the Christian faith their parents devotedly sowed into them. 

Many of these adult children have deconstructed loudly and proudly. This group is openly critical of all things Christian and politically conservative. Many have adopted lifestyles and opinions completely antithetical to biblical Christianity. It is not unusual for young adults in this group to formally estrange from family members for voting the “wrong way” or attending the “wrong church”. Other young adult apostates have taken a less dramatic route and have quiet-quit Christianity. These adult children rarely discuss their decision to defect from Christianity; they just do it. They do not attend church, read their Bibles or pray. If a parent inquires, about their child’s beliefs or church attendance they just kind of shrug their shoulders and change the subject. 

Moms and Dads are understandably rattled by this turn of events. Most were loving and devoted Christian parents. None were perfect (no parent is) but most did their level-best to love their children well, teach them biblical truth and pass on their faith. 

In one sense this turn of events should surprise no one. The New Testament clearly predicts a mass apostasy (defection from the faith) just prior to the return of Jesus (1st Timothy 4:1-3, 2nd Thessalonians 2:3, 2nd Peter 3:3-4). Jesus also made it clear His teachings can bring deep division and conflict to families (Matthew 10:38, Luke 12:53). Moreover, we live in an anti-God, anti-family, throw away anything that “isn’t working for you” kind of a culture.  We are (in my opinion) very likely living in the days of a fulfillment of prophetic Scripture (2nd Timothy 3:1-5, Matthew 24:10-13).   Sadly, knowing these facts doesn’t make it any reality any easier to deal with. 

Thankfully, none of these realities mean all is lost. People change, God is powerful and if a person is breathing there is hope for their soul. Being the parent of a spiritually wayward adult child requires discernment and strategic thinking (Matthew 10:16). It is critical we remember we live in a world embroiled in brutal spiritual warfare (Ephesians 2:1-3, 1st Peter 5:8, James 4:7). Every parent in these situations must put on their armor (Ephesians 6:10-18) and do the following:  

Avoid manipulation and control-

There are a plethora of reasons attempting to manipulate or control an adult child is a terrible idea (Proverbs 28:26). Control and manipulation will not work (it might make things worse). It will breed resentment over time (Ephesians 6:4). It does not recognize or honor an adult child’s agency (Matthew 7:12). In some situations, a parent’s attempt to manipulate or control may even interfere with what God is attempting to do in the child’s life (Luke 15:11-32).  As parents of adult children, we must recognize adult children have the right to be wrong (John 12:48). They also have the right to reject God and His offer of salvation if that’s what they want to do. We must honor those rights. 

Own what you need to own but don’t take more blame than you deserve- 

We live in a culture where parents are expected to be perfect all the time. Many now-grown children have appointed themselves judge and jury of what was and was not perfect parenting. As a result, parents are often despised by their children for what most folks felt at the time was appropriate discipline and solid parenting. This can leave parents of adult kids with crippling guilt over a past they can’t change and choices that made sense at the time. It’s critical parents own what needs to be owned and leave the rest in God’s hands.  All parents make mistakes, many were too harsh, didn’t always listen well, disciplined in anger, took bad advice from experts and just generally acted like flawed human beings (Romans 3:23). If after some reflection and prayer you realize you made a mistake: own it and apologize. However, there is no reason to beat yourself up over things that cannot be changed. Instead, choose to honor God in the present by transforming into a better, healthier version of yourself now (Colossians 3, Romans 12, 2nd Peter 1:3-11). 

Pray for them-

In one sense adult children who have rejected God are no different than any other unbeliever. The number one thing Christians are commanded to do for the unbelieving is to pray for them. It is also important to note that as parents we have intimate understanding of our adult children.  This gives parents special insight into their child’s needs and makes their prayers all the more powerful. Our greatest responsibility is always to pray like a crazy person (1st Thessalonians 5:17, James 5:16, 1st Peter 4:7) and trust God to do what only He can do.

Earn the right to have conversations with them-

One oftentimes valid criticism adult kids have with their parents is that they did not always listen well to their children growing up (James 1:19). It’s never too late to change direction and become a good listener. Doing so will not only earn you the right to speak into their lives, it will also empower you to speak with true wisdom as you do (Psalm 37:30). 

Be faithful in your own spiritual life- 

Because our world is such a flaming-hot mess right now it has never been more important for God’s people to be faithful and do their best to live godly lives (Philippians 1:9-12, Philippians 2:12-15). This is even more true for parents who have adult children who have rejected God. A parents continued fidelity to Jesus stands as a powerful testimony that will speak long after the parent is gone. 

And finally, and most crucially, we must learn to trust the Lord with our kids. It helps to remember that God loves them way more than we do. He also has far more knowledge about how to get them on the narrow path of righteousness than we do (Matthew 7:13-14, Isaiah 55:8-9). When we trust God to do what only He can do we give Him all the space He needs to work on the hearts of our wayward kids (Jeremiah 31:16-17). 

Is it Selfish to have Children?

Lisa M. PriceLeave a comment

You have set your glory in the heavens.Through the praise of children and infants
    you have established a stronghold against your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger- Psalm 8:1b-2 NIV

In recent weeks I have come across a shocking number articles all with a shared theme. Each one features women and/or men who have either: 

  1. Chosen not to have children. These folks universally feel really awesome about their decision and think everyone should do the same.

Or 

  • Chosen to have children and wish they hadn’t.

These articles are not a once-in-a-blue-moon occurrence. Hardly a day goes by when I don’t see a testimonial from someone who either wishes they had never had children or someone who is thrilled beyond words to be childless. Statistics prove this is not a figment of my fevered imagination. In 2021 the birthrate fell by five percentage points to the lowest in a century. The birthrate continued to drop in 2022. The 2023 birthrate appears to be on track for another drop.

There are a couple of things that trouble me about the “I wish I had never had children articles”.  First, our willingness as a society to allow these articles to be published reveals a disquieting approval of both callous and narcissistic behavior.  I, for one, cannot imagine the deep personal trauma I would have experienced if I had just happened to find an article written by my mother explaining to the world that giving birth to me was her supreme regret in life.

I am not extraordinarily sensitive to feel this way.

In a culture obsessed with personal trauma, one would think there would be an understanding that these feelings (as real and valid as they may be) should never be made public or spoken of within earshot of the child. Period. 

The “kids are terrible” trend is worrisome because, parenthood is an onramp to maturity that causes human beings to think deeply about issues outside themselves. When someone becomes a parent, all of a sudden they begin to think a great deal about how their beliefs, political views, relational interactions and spending habits will affect future generations. I cannot help but wonder: if a majority are no longer having children will most of society stay stuck in a state of perpetual adolescence? Will enough people be capable of thinking about future generations to keep society from spiraling out of control? Seriously. This is real stuff we should think about. 

I get that there are some practical reasons for this trend. 

The economy is terrible. Life is far more expensive than at any point in my lifetime. Many large corporations have become greedy (James 5:4, Malachi 3:5). They are cutting employees and expecting the ones they keep around to work harder and smarter for less money and fewer benefits. Inflation has made it nearly impossible for a family to survive on one income. The cost of housing in many areas makes it difficult to survive on even a “decent” salary. 

Those issues combined with higher societal expectations about what constitutes “being comfortable” and “financial stability” has made childlessness more attractive to many people. Others have delayed marriage to focus on educational and career goals, or because they have struggled to find a suitable partner. all this ignores the reality that there is without question an expiration date on female fertility. Postponing childbearing will mean childlessness for some people. Additionally, people have become much more self-focused. Taking care of the needs of others and acting selflessly are thought to be at best, a bit silly, and at worst a sign of mental illness. Self-care, me-time and cutting toxic people out of our lives are believed to be the apex of good emotional health. Unfortunately, kids (especially young kids) are naturally kind of toxic (Proverbs 24:15, Proverbs 29:15). Furthermore, me-time is in short supply in the early years of childhood. In a civilization where selfishness is thought to be a virtue a falling birthrate is almost inevitable. 

 Then there are the spiritual reasons for this trend. 

Christianity teaches every human life is sacred. Humans, regardless of age, social status or physical health are to be cherished and cared for because human beings are made in the image of God. Without the imago deo life is only sacred if we want it to be sacred.  Without the imago deo all of a sudden “being human” can be a terrible thing. After all, humans are draining, they use resources and sometimes they just kind of suck. This reality makes procreation a selfish act rather than obedience to the command to “be fruitful and increase in number” (Genesis 1:28). As a result, the earth becomes more important than the people on it. One of the weirder consequences of this belief system is the insistence humans do dehumanizing things in order to atone for their humanness. This is one reason why there is a demand for people to live in smaller, less comfortable conditions and eat bugs. Many believe humans are bad. Therefore, humans should be punished for being human.  Humans should live in cramped apartments, never experience the joy of parenthood, feast on creepy-crawlies and be happy about it.

Unfortunately, the anti-kid movement will only worsen the condition of our world. It will make people more selfish, less future focused and increase depression. Christians can help change this trend by celebrating children, making family a priority and flat refusing to jump on the “kids are bad” bandwagon. As we choose to live obediently to Scripture the world will see a quality of life in Christianity that will make them thirst for “The Living Water” (John 4:1-24) and giver of life.

How Should Christians Deal with the New Gender Ideology?

Lisa M. Price4 Comments

 Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong.Let all that you do be done with love- 1st Corinthians 16:13-14 NKJV 

Satan is alive and well and partying it up.  

This past spring at a YMCA in Springfield Illinois, sixteen-year-old Abigail Newton became uncomfortable when a transgender female (biological male) began using the same women’s locker room as her girls’ swim team.  When her parents expressed concern over the locker room situation YMCA administrators summarily dismissed their objections and Abigail was kicked off the swim team.  

Meanwhile in Washington State: 

A bill has passed into law allowing children as young as twelve to live in tax-payer-funded youth shelters while receiving tax-payer-funded “gender affirming care”. This “healthcare” (hormones and surgery) can be accessed without parental consent or even notification.  In the once great state of Washington (my home), it is now “abusive” for parents to object to or attempt to interfere with an underage child’s gender transition. 

These situations are not isolated occurrences of lunacy.  

This is because most public universities have been teaching gender theories (multiple genders, we are the gender we think we are etc.) as fact for decades. As a result, there has been a “trickle-down effect” in education. The idea that gender is something we choose is now taught in public schools beginning in the pre-school and elementary years because that’s what teachers have been learning in college for more than a decade.  Fewer teachers in red states advocate for radical sexual propaganda to be taught and the ones who do are quieter about it than in blue states. Nevertheless, that does not mean gender propaganda/lunacy is not an issue everywhere.  

Gender propaganda is impacting public policy on every level. Women are forced to compete against biological men in women’s sports, anyone who sees this as unjust is written off as a bigot and snubbed in polite society. Pronouns are a huge deal these days, using the wrong one or “mis-gendering” someone, even on accident can cost you a hefty fine in many cities. Forty-four percent of young adults believe mis-gendering someone should land a person in jail. In eighteen states anyone can use whatever restroom they wish. Men can identify as women capriciously, making it possible for men to enter female-only spaces anytime they wish, regardless of how they are dressed or whether or not they have fully transitioned.   

Here’s the thing: 

This is the new normal and things will likely get worse before they get better. This because gender ideology has deeply spiritual roots. Anytime human beings in large numbers begin to ignore the evidence for God found in creation they eventually fall face-first into idolatry (Galatians 5:19-21). When this happens the whims and wishes of fallible human beings take the lead and God’s wisdom is either disregarded or treated as “damaging”. This inevitably leads people down a rabbit hole where their thinking becomes confused and darkened (Ephesians 4:18, Romans 1:18-32, 2nd Timothy 3:1). Wrong thinking inevitably leads people to embrace strange ideas about life and sexuality.  

This is where we’re living right now.  

Modern-day idolatry is focused almost entirely on the worship of self. Every aspect of our culture encourages people to do what feels good and to accept, nurture and embrace with open arms their most “authentic self”. Unfortunately, because humans are fallen beings our most authentic self is typically confused, chaotic, sinful and prone to believe all sorts of weird deception. The things that feel best to us are often the most detrimental to our mental and spiritual health. 

Sigh.   

The only way out of this rabbit hole will be an incredibly far-reaching revival that impacts people everywhere, including those in the highest levels of government and education. Pandora’s box has been flung wide open and Christians need to get busy figuring out how to live in and make a difference in this brave new world.  

 So, what do we do?  

This is not the time for wishy-washy pandering to the feelings of sinners, nor is it a time for cooperation with the world (Colossians 2:8). The body of Christ cannot compromise on this issue. We must be firm that there is no such thing as a third, fourth or sixty-third gender option. God created male and female (Genesis 1:27). That’s it. Period. Christians should only support public officials who embrace a traditional view of gender. We should refuse to purchase products produced by companies who openly push radical sexual views and theories. Gender ideology is a powerful social contagion that cannot be allowed to infiltrate the church. All Christians should prayerfully consider removing their children from public schools and restrict their children’s phone use. Christians should high-tail it out of churches where gender theory is taught as fact or acceptance of worldly gender ideology is encouraged by church leadership. 

 However.  

 It is equally as important to be kind and that we do our best to speak this hard truth with minimum vitriol (Ephesians 4:15). This is not a time for cruelty or name-calling. These issues are deeply spiritual; therefore, this is a time to set aside our own agenda and desires and make the time to pray with other believers for our culture. We must understand that for the most part, these folks really do believe what they say they believe about gender. Countless numbers of people today are victims of a powerful satanic deception. They have been taken captive in their thinking by the enemy (Matthew 24:4, 2nd Thessalonians 2:9-10, 1st Peter 5:8). We should never fault the lost for being lost (Luke 15:4).  Instead we ought to do our level best to extend the compassion and love of Jesus while we lovingly hold firm to the timeless truths of Scripture.     

The Curses Christian Families Pass on-

Lisa M. PriceLeave a comment

Riches do not endure forever, and a crown is not secure for all generations– Proverbs 27:24 NIV

There are Christians who believe generational curses are nothing more than fake news.

Others think they’re an excuse weak people use when they don’t want to take responsibility for their own choices. Still others are convinced generational curses are the result of some distant ancestor ticking God off. In His anger God “cursed” the offender and his or her entire family line with a hex dooming them all to generation after generation of sin and misery. Then there are those who believe generational curses are real but they only happen to heathens.  

 Generational curses are real. 

However, they are not really the result of God’s wrath or punishment. They are the logical outcome of human foolishness and spiritual rebellion. A generational sin becomes a family trait when a person chooses to sin and then does not confess their sin or repent of it. Some version of that same sin is then passed down to the succeeding generation in the form of a behavior or attitude many members of the family get stuck in. The most common kinds of generational curses in unsaved families are sexual sin, abuse, alcohol, anger, codependence, drugs, stupidity, anarchy and foolishness. 

Christian families pass on generational curses too. However, generational curses tend to look different in Christian families. Generational curses show up in attitudes and behaviors that dishonor Jesus and hearts that are far from God. Generational curses are the number one reason faith is not passed down from one generation to the next. Following are five of the most common causes of generational curses in Christian families:

We cultivate surface-y goodness-  

Jesus warned repeatedly against cultivating a pretense or façade of goodness and righteousness at the cost of authentic heart transformation and change (Matthew 23, Matthew 25:31-46, Luke 11:37-54, Romans 12). Sadly, it’s not hard to fake righteousness, with everyone except our kids. Our children get a front row seat to the sin we successfully hide from the rest of the world. When we cultivate an illusion of goodness rather than dealing with our sinful junk honestly, we either pass on the horrible generational curse of spiritual fakery (Acts 5:1-10), or our kids develop hearts of rebellion against a religion they assume is either phony or powerless.  Sigh.

We nurse a bitter spirit-

 Because bitterness is almost always the product of actual trauma, suffering and being sinned against, bitterness feels reasonable and justifiable. It’s not. God forbids bitterness because it eventually becomes who we are (Ephesians 4:31). Bitterness saturates our souls, transforms our personality and turns us into an ugly distortion of what God wants us to be. This ruins our Christian testimony and wrecks opportunities for ministry. It also has a defiling effect on our children and grandchildren (Hebrews 12:15). Anytime we choose resentment, anger or bitterness over forgiveness we infect our kids and grandkids with the generational curses of anger and offense. This causes them to become hardhearted towards God and unforgiving towards other people (Proverbs 19:11, Proverbs 18:19).

We indulge in too many “grey area” behaviors- 

Not everything in this life is cut and dried or black and white. This is even true in the Christian life (1st Corinthians 6:12). There are things Christians will not go to hell for doing that also will not help them become better, wiser or godlier people.  The shows we watch, how we treat and talk about people, our church attendance, alcohol use, whether or not we use curse words are all “grey areas”. No one is going to hell for having a beer, spotty church attendance, being rude or saying a naughty word every once in a while.  However, it is also true that how we handle those grey areas will impact how our kids process their faith and live out their Christianity as adults.  If we want to prevent the generational curse of spiritual complacency we must be cautious and prayerful about how we deal with the grey areas of life.  

We don’t honor our parents- 

We live in a culture where almost every family is labeled “toxic” in some way. Even some Christians routinely use the thinnest of excuses to cut their parents or in-laws out of their lives (2nd Timothy 3:1-3). Unless there is a really good reason for doing so, disrespect to parents is a terrible sin guaranteed to reap ugly generational consequences. There are parents who are truly toxic, evil or who were genuinely abusive. The Bible does not command anyone to allow abusive parents to move into their homes or give them free and unfettered access to the grandkids (that would be stupid). Christians should exercise wisdom and discernment in all situations. However, contrary to contemporary thinking, it is not abusive for a parent to be dumb, controlling or less than perfectly tuned into their child’s needs. The command for adult children to honor their parents is the only command in the Ten Commandments that comes with the promise of blessing (Exodus 20:12) and there are no qualifiers given. Adult children are to do their best to figure out a way honor their parents. Period. Even if those parents were less than perfect or the situation is complicated.  The number of generational sins we bring on ourselves and our children when we refuse to honor parents is innumerable. 

A generational sin is not difficult to break, in a Christian family.

However.

We do have to recognize the sin and confess it to God. Then we have to be intentional about changing the sinful behavior or attitude. When we do that God graciously steps into our situation with His mercy, grace and transforming power and does more than we can ask or imagine in our lives and in the lives of our children and grandchildren (Ephesians 3:20) 

Q&A Friday-

Lisa M. Price1 Comment

Today’s question comes from a reader in Georgia:

Should Christian parents consider taking their kids out of public schools? 

YES. YES. YES.

Just a few years ago, my answer would have been far more nuanced.  

However, times have changed dramatically. 

Public schools have become monolithic machines that churn out leftist anti-God propaganda aimed at indoctrinating children with progressive ideas about sexuality, the climate, history, race and God.  Very few public schools teach children how to think about issues.  Instead schools teach kids what to think. This has produced a generation of young people who lack basic academic skills, have few morals and zero wisdom and discernment about the most basic of issues. 

Furthermore. 

God gave parents not the state ultimate responsibility for training and teaching children. Very few public schools respect the authority of parents anymore. In many states (including my own) a child can change genders, get an abortion, or obtain birth control without so much as parental notification. 

Sadly.

 Public schools are not spiritually safe for children. Public educators assert public schools are value neutral, meaning schools don’t teach values, they simply give information. Unfortunately, the information schools choose to give on sexuality, justice, genders and religion communicate progressive, anti-God, anti-parent, pro-transgender, pro-sexual experimentation values.  It is very difficult for Christian families to effectively counter the ideas and philosophies given at public school given the sheer number of hours kids spend there. 

I do understand private schools or even homeschooling are not always viable options for every family. Christian schools are expensive and homeschooling requires a large investment of time. That said, I urge Christian parents to explore the options. There are wonderful video options available, home schooling co-ops and some Christian schools offer discounts based on income. 

Some Hard Advice for Christian Women-

Lisa M. PriceLeave a comment

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate– Psalm 127:4-5 ESV

Okay, so.

 Generally speaking my ambition is to live a quiet life and tend to my own affairs (1st Thessalonians 4:11).  As a rule, I have zero desire to be a busybody or to butt into other people’s business (2nd Thessalonians 3:11).  On the infrequent occasions I have made it my thing I usually end up feeling sorry I did.  

Today, I’m willing to run that risk. Here goes:

In recent years, I have noted an attitude making its way into the church. It has become quite common for Christian women to minimize and disparage the roles of wife and mother.  As an older woman I clearly see that this attitude is a tool the enemy is using to weaken Christian families. The attitudes developing in the church are potentially detrimental to the future of the church and the family because the Christian family has historically been God’s most powerful and fruitful means of evangelism and discipleship.  

Please understand—I do not believe that wife and mother are the only truly significant roles a Christian woman can or should play in this life. In my experience, when a Christian woman is walking in step with the Holy Spirit she will fulfill many functions and play a variety of different roles throughout her life. Some of those roles will be in the home, some in the church and others will be in the workplace. That being said, the role women play as wives and mothers is critical and should never be demeaned. So, my dear sisters in Christ, today I’m going to share some direct counsel that I believe is desperately needed in this cultural moment. 

First: 

Stop being weak. It’s gross- 

As a mother of four, I get that being a Mom is a demanding job. This is particularly true in the early years of motherhood when money is often tight and children have lots of needs and no real ability to manage themselves. That being said. It’s not that hard and I’m very disturbed by the “Mommy needs a drink” mentality that has drifted into the church. No one needs to become a drunk in order to manage the pressures of motherhood. Seriously. Women have been caring for children since the dawn of time without modern conveniences such as disposable diapers, baby swings and iPads. This generation is no less capable than our predecessors. Though, I suspect we are less resilient and tough-minded. It is critical we understand that a Christian woman is a soldier of Jesus Christ (2nd Timothy 2-4, Ephesians 6: 10-13).  If a Christian woman has children her primary mission in life is to teach and train her children to fear the Lord and walk in His ways.  The early years of parenting are critical. Kids need a Mom to create a stable, loving environment for them to learn about God, themselves and life. No one can provide any of that wasting precious energy whining about how hard and miserable it is to be a Mom. 

Children are the only lasting legacy we leave- 

It’s a clichéd saying that became a cliché because it’s so dang true: “No one has ever laid on their deathbed and wished they had worked harder on their career”. However, lots of people die wishing fervently they had put more energy into the only legacy that really lasts: their kids.  I have done a lot of things with my life, some of them significant by worldly standards. I am not sorry I put my energy into any of them. They were worthy endeavors.  That said, none of the things I have done will have a greater impact on this world than the children I have raised.  

Stop making marriage a contest, it’s not- 

A Christian marriage is intended to be a partnership where each partner sacrifices for the good of the other and the family they create together (Ephesians 5:21-33). A Christian marriage should not be about which spouse has the most impressive career or the most degrees. Those are temporal things that should be viewed as tools to build a legacy for the kingdom of God not as the desired end in its self. 

If you attempt to do it all at once you will do it poorly-  

Seriously. A woman can have a solid marriage, be a faithful Christian, raise amazing kids and have a rewarding career. However, attempting to do all those things all at once practically guarantees something critical will get lost in the shuffle and get done poorly. Sadly, it’s the kids, marriage or relationship with Jesus most likely to hit the skids. Wise women recognize there really is a season for everything. It’s not wrong to have a job when kids are young as long both parents are committed to being really attentive to the kids during non-working hours. 

It is critical Christians guard their hearts and minds from adopting the attitudes and mindsets of the culture. Nowhere is this truer than in the area of how we view children and family. (Psalm 127:3-5). When we allow the world to dictate how we view these issues it’s the enemy who wins. 

How Conflict can Save your Marriage-

Lisa M. PriceLeave a comment

So, I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.  Galatians 5:16 NLT

Through the years I have witnessed a lot of divorces and because the vast majority of my friends are Christians, most of those divorces were between couples I am convinced are genuine Christians.  The saddest and most common divorces have been between what I call “long-haulers”.

Long-haulers are couples who stay quietly but miserably married for two, sometimes three or even four decades. Then, seemingly out of nowhere in their fifties or sixties the couple announces to the shock of everyone they know they are getting a divorce

Divorce is never a blessed event. However, these types of divorces are heartbreaking on multiple levels. The people involved always end up feeling they have “wasted” the best, most productive years of their life in a relationship that brought little real intimacy or joy. Long-haulers nearly always have kids, grandkids, a vast network of friends and a church family who are all psychologically, emotionally and/or spiritually impacted by the divorce. Further complicating the whole messy mess, there is almost always is a disturbing lack of emotional, spiritual growth in long-haulers. The lack of growth occurs because both partners are too busy trying to manage the pain of the relationship to focus on their own spiritual development and health (Hebrews 2:1-3). 

The “reason” given for divorce in these types of marriages is almost always the hazy, vague catch-all term: “irreconcilable differences”. Irreconcilable differences simply means there was a very real conflict in the marriage that was never really dealt with openly or honestly (Ephesians 4:26). The unresolved conflict became, over time, a cancer in the relationship that eventually led to the death of the relationship. Sometimes the conflict was over sex.  Either the couple didn’t have much of it over the course of the marriage or one person in the relationship was having way more of it than the other (Exodus 20:14, 1st Corinthians 7:3-5, 1st Corinthians 6:18). Other times the conflict was over things as mundane as the division of labor in the relationship or as complex as money and how it’s allocated in the marriage. Always, the conflict was over communication. At some point it broke down and they stopped talking about everything in life that really matters, which led to isolation, which led to misery, which led to divorce.  

Here’s the thing:

I have had a lot of conversations with a lot of long-haulers and very long-hauler I have spoke with admitted their marriage COULD have been saved if they’d been willing to deal with the problems in the relationship early on. Many have also revealed they feared actually having an argument would make the problems worse. Their fear of conflict kept them from initiating the conflict that might have led to relational healing and a restoration of intimacy. 

Sigh.

The 5th Century military mastermind Sun Tzu once said “sometimes the path to peace is war”. Nowhere is this truer than in marriage. Conflicts that bring issues out into the open where they can be discussed and dealt with are the only path to true peace in a relationship.  

Following are four ways to leverage conflict for a healthy marriage:  

Find a way to discuss the problem- 

It doesn’t matter what kind of problems are present in the marriage. The problem can be sex, kids, in-laws, chores or money. Any problem that gets pushed to the margins and ignored simply creates a large space for the problem as well negative feelings about your spouse to fester and grow. At some point that one problem will begin to have an adverse effect on the rest of the relationship. If you can’t find a way to talk productively to each other get a professional involved. Whatever you do, don’t just hope the problem goes away. It won’t. If it doesn’t get fixed today it will still be there in thirty years and you will want a divorce (Proverbs 24:26, John 8:32). 

Deal with trust issues openly and honestly- 

At the root of bad or blocked communication in marriage is almost always a giant trust issue. This usually happens because there has been a history of sinful behavior with one partner. Sinful behavior includes emotional and/or physical affairs, use of pornography, verbal abuse, mishandling money or any other behavior that has caused one person to become distrustful of the other. The only way to deal with a trust issue is talking about it openly so real healing can take place in the relationship. Oftentimes a professional is needed to help heal the hurt that created the trust issue in the first place. 

No being mean when you talk about an issue- 

Whatever problem the two of you have is the enemy not your spouse. Find a way to deal with the issue at hand without being accusatory or cruel (Galatians 5:15, Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:12) . 

No quitting till the problem is worked out- 

The most important rule in any kind of conflict management is: no one gets to quit until the issues are truly resolved and healthy change has taken place in the relationship (Ephesians 4:26). Commit to staying at it until the problem is truly resolved.

Marriage is meant to be a picture of the relationship between Jesus and His people (Ephesians 5:21-33). It is the place where children are nurtured into adulthood and people grow up together. If marriage is done right it becomes a safe place for two people to grow into the image of Jesus. Those are the things worth fighting hard for.

 Literally. 

Why it’s Stupid to Expect Government to fix Social Problems-

Lisa M. PriceLeave a comment

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it- Hebrews 12:11 ESV

A thirteen-year-old-boy believed to be brandishing a gun was shot by police at 3:00 a.m. in Chicago. A sixteen-year-old girl in Ohio was fatally shot by police as she stabbed another girl.

These events are hardly outliers.

Reports of minor children being killed either by other minors or by police officers attempting to keep minors from committing serious crimes have become a fairly routine occurrence.  Many blame police and police tactics for these heartbreaking events. Anytime there’s a tragedy involving a kid and cop a glut of Monday-morning quarterbacks crawl out of the metaphorical woodwork to second-guess police tactics and/or question the character of the officer involved in the shooting. Others are eager to blame “society” for not caring more about the kids involved. Typically, the lack of care is attributed entirely to the child’s race, sex or socio-economic status. 

 Blaming either feels like the easy way out to me. 

 When we blame society for our problems what we are really doing is blaming the government. One of the more peculiar qualities of modern thought is the belief that government is the answer to all our problems.  We tend to forget that “the government” is a heartless, soulless, nebulous machine entirely lacking in human feeling, wisdom or insight. There are good people who work in government. I know some of them. However, the government is not emotionally nimble enough to view people as individuals. Neither is government capable of teaching good habits, imparting insight or training a child to put others first or think wisely about life. 

Neither is it fair to lay the blame for these situations at the feet of the police. Truth-be-told the police are not, nor were they ever intended to be anything other than the last line of defense between lawbreakers and law-abiding citizens. By the time a police officer is involved in a person’s life a long line of choices has been made that the officer had no control over. There are bad cops. Everything possible should be done to weed bad officers out of the ranks. However, most police are decent people who got into their line of work because they genuinely care about people and want to make the world a better place. 

The government or the police are not to blame when a sixteen-year-old girl feels stabbing someone is a reasonable response to her frustration or when a thirteen-year-old has access to a gun and the freedom to roam about at three a.m.

Seriously. 

That sort of thing is the fruit of a lifetime of horrible parenting (Proverbs 17:25, Proverbs 19:13). 

Somewhere over the course of the last couple of decades two equally bad but entirely different kinds of parents have emerged on the scene. The first sees their children as an extension of themselves and believes it their job to orchestrate and micromanage every aspect of their child’s existence. These parents would rather be gunned down than have their kids experience anything painful or difficult. Their greatest fear for their children is trauma.  They have bought into the lie that people are not resilient and that any kind of trauma, even relatively minor trauma will devastate their children for life.

Truth-be-told.

All humans experience trauma. Nonetheless, for some reason many in our world believe trauma (even minor trauma) is not something people can recover from. Because they have ALL experienced some sort of trauma these folks see themselves as less than whole and want to prevent their own children from experiencing the same fate.  This group of parents is responsible for raising the pearl-clutching millennials who scream “CANCEL” at any idea or opinion that makes them even vaguely uncomfortable (according to these folks emotional discomfort is a form of trauma).  The other group of parents are on the opposite end of the spectrum. They tend to think that once a kid can feed and dress themselves their job is done. These parents typically did experience deep and genuine trauma that was never really addressed (Psalm 147:3). These parents are self-involved to the point of being completely checked-out of their child’s life. These are the parents who say they can’t stop their thirteen-year-old from doing what they want to do and they’re right. They cannot get their teenagers to obey because they never took healthy authority over them as young children (Hebrews 12:14, Proverbs 5:23). 

There are no easy answers to systemic parenting problems in a culture. 

The government is incapable of helping. The government is totally stumped by how many genders there are. They don’t have the wisdom or skills to lead people to better parenting choices. The police can’t help. Police are the last line of defense we slap on a problem before it gets completely out of hand. 

The world needs the kind of transformation that only relationship with Jesus can bring. Christians must make a regular practice of praying specifically for families in their communities because parents of all income levels need the kind of wisdom that can only come from God. It’s also imperative Christian parents get their own lives and homes together so other parents start looking to the church for answers. We can’t lead anyone to health if we aren’t healthy. And finally, churches need to get into the business of teaching parents outside of their own walls how to parent instead of focusing on the already healthy parents in their own congregations. When the parents in our communities come to know Jesus and the healing He brings they will know what love really looks like.

The love of God will empower them to lead their children well and we will all benefit.

How a Marriage can Thrive in the Worst of Times-

Lisa M. Price1 Comment

How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity! For there the Lord bestows his blessing, even life forevermore- Psalm 133:1,3b NIV

 No marriage is immune from tough times.

 This is true no matter how compatible the couple or how much they both love Jesus. Marriage is hard because marriages involve people and people are universally weird, sinful and lacking in self-awareness. People do things all the time without understanding why they are doing them. Because the other person in the marriage is also a sinner they tend to interpret their spouse’s behavior and motivations in the most negative way imaginable. This weird dynamic is the trigger for most conflict in marriage. Throw in an irritating virus, a long quarantine, home schooling, financial concerns and the uncertainty that goes along with those stressors and even the healthiest marriages can get bumpy.   

 I will not lie.

COVID-19 has created some challenges in my usually happy marriage. We have experienced more conflict in the last eight weeks than in the previous eight years.  We are not alone. Every couple I know has struggled with conflict or hurt feelings in recent weeks.  Thankfully, the lockdowns are beginning to end. However, Coronavirus is not going anywhere and neither is the financial and emotional stress it has brought to families and marriages. Marriage is critically important to the health of families, churches and all of society. Therefore, married people must find ways to keep their relationships solid under the stress we are all experiencing.  It has helped me to remind myself of the following four realities as we learn to maneuver the new normal. 

 Remember:

 Everyone is stressed-

 I get this is rather obvious but sometimes we forget stress causes people to behave strangely and stressed-out people rarely realize they are behaving any differently than they normally do. Stress changes how we respond to situations and stimuli.  Someone who is typically laid-back and very patient with noise may become outraged when the kids are loud. Someone who is normally okay with disorder and chaos may morph into a controlling clean-freak. A normally tidy individual may become a total slob in stressful times.  The situation we find ourselves in is far more stressful than any most of us have experienced in our lifetimes. No one in our culture has a point of reference for a peculiar virus no one really understands, long periods of quarantine, political unrest, financial strain and the million different levels of fear and uncertainty this pandemic has produced. It is critical we take a step back when our spouse is behaving strangely. Ask questions about how the other person is feeling rather than simply walking away or responding to their unusual behavior in anger (Proverbs 15:1)

 You’re probably acting weird too-

 Self-examination is critical to relationship health.  This is especially true when life is challenging (Psalm 139:23-24, 2nd Corinthians 13:5). Take an inventory of yourself. Are you more withdrawn than usual? More aggressive? Less patient? Checked-out? Hyper-critical? Irritable?  Are you pretending everything is okay when it’s clearly not? Are you indulging in behaviors you normally avoid like drinking, cursing or fits of rage? If any of those things are true, spend some quality time seeking God and asking Him to help you figure out what is driving your behavior. Is it fear? Hopelessness? Anger? Putting a name to the feelings helps us to process our emotions in a healthy way. Once we understand why we are doing something it becomes much easier to stop doing it.

 Understand that everyone will come unraveled at some point-

 Everyone processes stress differently. Some get mad, others become despondent or enslaved to fear.  Some make futile attempts to avoid the thing that that’s causing them pain or worry.  I became emotionally unraveled the week prior to Easter. My private unraveling involved a lot of ranting and raving. I angerly questioned the wisdom of every rule and the motives and intelligence of the people making the rules. After a week of some shockingly aggressive behavior on my part and another week of the darkest depression I’ve ever experienced. I spent some time alone with God and came out the other side with a level of peace. I still have bad days but I’m okay. My husband’s unraveling took much longer and looked entirely different from mine, but it was every bit as real and unsettling.  It helps to be on the lookout for signs of emotional unraveling in yourself and others. Rather than becoming frustrated with your own or your partners response to the stress, take the time to pray for yourself and your partner. Give each other grace.  Look for creative ways to tangibly love your partner and care for each other right now.   

 Talking is always the answer-

 One of the worst things that can happen in a relationship is to make any topic off-limits. Talking through tough stuff is the only way to work through the issues. Push through any discomfort either of you feel and say what needs to be said. Say it in the kindest way possible and always be on the lookout for solutions rather than simply laying blame.

 Stress happens.

 How we respond to stress has the power to make or break our relationship. If we work with our spouse rather than against our spouse and choose to see them as our ally rather than our enemy we will come out of this better people with stronger relationships.

 

 

 

 

The How-to of Keeping any Relationship Healthy, Happy and Drama-free-

Lisa M. PriceLeave a comment

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift- Matthew 5:23-24

 Relationships.

 They are without question both the blessing and the bane of human existence.

 When our closest relationships are healthy and thriving, life is good.  When a close relationship goes bad there is literally nothing more miserable and angst-inducing.  

 In our chaotic, sin-sick world messy, fragmented relationships are pretty much the new normal.

Sigh.

Nearly, half of marriages end in divorce, friendships end as quickly as they begin, business relationships no longer stand the test of time and churches routinely split over the stupidest stuff imaginable.

Our culture has been steeped in a it’s “all about me” mentality of relationship care for decades now. This has created an environment where it feels natural, normal and healthy to treat relationships like disposable commodities. It is not at all unusual even for Christians to write-off relationships as “toxic” and move on with little thought to the consequences of doing so. We have forsaken the principle found in Proverbs that tells us we should never forsake a friend or even the friend of a family member (Proverbs 27:10a). 

 The Bible clearly teaches Christians bear an extra measure of responsibility when it comes to the care, keeping and healing of relationships. We are reminded over and over again in Scripture that human relationships are not always easy but the difficulties involved in developing and maintaining healthy relationships make us better people (Proverbs 27:6, Proverbs 27:17) and bring joy to our lives (Proverbs 17:17, Proverbs 18:24).  Christians are directed to treat others the way they want to be treated and commanded to take the initiative when it comes to reconciling broken relationships (Matthew 7:12, Ephesians 4:32, Matthew 5:23-24, Luke 12:58).  Repairing damaged relationships and helping others to do the same is probably the most basic task Christians are called to in this life (2nd Corinthians 5:12-18).  The process begins with understanding and choosing to live out six principles:

 If something feels wrong in a relationship assume something IS wrong-

 Never trivialize or ignore the niggling sense you may have caused offense or alienated another person (Proverbs 18:19). When in doubt ask how the other person is feeling and/or modify your behavior. The earlier a damaged relationship is attended to the easier it is to repair.

 Do not short-circuit the recovery process-

 Anytime we jump to simply restoring a broken relationship without working through the issues that fractured the relationship in the first place we set in motion a series of events that will inevitably lead to even more brokenness and hurt. Problems need to be talked out, not glossed over if we want to see permanent recovery in the relationship and personal growth in ourselves. 

 Be willing to assume at least partial responsibility for any relationship fracture-  

 I truly loathe the adage: “perception is reality”. Mostly because if you really break it down it sounds like something a super crazy person would say. However, when it comes to hurt in relationships perception really is reality. It is critical we remember ALL human beings tend to be self-absorbed and blind to their own faults. For that reason, it is possible to hurt another person without knowing how we hurt them. Healthy, mature believers are always open to the idea that they may not understand how their words or actions have affected another person

 Accept the other person’s opinions regarding the situation-

 If someone lets you know the relationship has been broken or feels they were wronged by you it is not wise, kind or emotionally intelligent to write that person off as stupid, incorrect, easily hurt or just plain clueless. As Christians we owe it to God and people to find out why others feel the way they feel about situations that involve us—even when we truly believe we have done nothing wrong.  Not caring about the other persons perspective is both painfully narcissistic and grossly sinful.  The only time we are free from the obligation of exploring the other person’s perspective is if the individual flatly refuses to communicate with us.

 Be willing to let some things go-

 Our personal relationships matter to God partly because relationship health is a measure of our spiritual health and maturity level. It is also reasonable to say that from God’s perspective relationships are nearly always worth preserving (Proverbs 17:9). The key to achieving relationship health is a willingness to let some things go. Cruelty, gas lighting, unfaithfulness in marriage or flagrant disrespect for the other person is never okay. That said, most other issues can be worked through if both parties are willing to listen, change and forgive. 

Choose to view relationship troubles as opportunities for growth- 

 No normal, healthy or sane human being likes to have problems in their personal relationships. That said, truly mature people view all problems including relationship problems as an opportunity for growth rather than a hassle or a personal attack.

 The health of our relationships really and truly is the greatest measure of our maturity. It is also a powerful witness to unbelievers. A God who has the power to help a person have happy, healthy relationships is a God worth following. For that reason, alone Christians should do everything they can do to ensure their relationships are healthy and God honoring.