The Real Reason the Pro-life Movement Has not Changed Many Minds

 For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools~ Romans 1:20-22 NIV

I am profoundly and deeply pro-life.

 One of the earliest convictions I experienced as a new Christian was the belief that God Himself is the author and giver of human life. Because God is the giver of life human life should always be protected and nurtured by God’s people.

 I have also walked the pro-life talk.

 I am the mother of four children. One of those children is adopted. I have worked or served in nearly every area of the pro-life movement. My husband and I have sat on the boards of countless pro-life organizations and I worked for three years as the director of a Pregnancy Help Center.  I have marched in the marches, handed out the info and organized various fundraising rallies, walks and banquets. I have cried with anxious and hurting women who were experiencing an unplanned pregnancy.

 I do not say all that to boast or to make myself sound better than I really am. There are many in the pro-life movement who have worked harder, done more and been far more faithful to the cause than I have been. Rather, I say all that so that readers will understand exactly how brokenhearted I was when I heard the horrific details of the New York state abortion bill that was signed into law on the 46thanniversary of Roe vs. Wade.  The law effectively legalizes abortion up until the very moment of birth for any and all reasons. It allows midwives, physician assistants and nurses to perform abortions. The law also repeals all legal protections for babies born alive after a failed abortion (it happens).

 The passing of this law broke my heart, and not just for the children who will surely die because of it. I was devastated because I fear this law is proof-positive that the pro-life movement has failed to do the very thing it was formed to do.

  In the forty-six years since Roe vs. Wade became law science has effectively proven two things. First, a fetus is human. Secondly, human life begins at the point of conception. Pro-abortion zealots with even an ounce of intellectual integrity freely concede those two facts.

  Nonetheless.

 Abortion is still legal and dreadfully common. Abortion has also become weirdly fashionable. The number of abortions in America has increased in recent years; and there are now online forums where women talk about their abortions proudly, as a badge of honor rather than a sad chapter in their life.  When Governor Andrew Cuomo signed the New York bill into law he received a standing ovation from the senate. The city of New York celebrated this “landmark legislation” by lighting up the World Trade Center in pink lights. New York is not the first state in the union to ratify a similar law.

 Sigh.

 Good, God-fearing people have fought the pro-life fight for nearly half a century and abortion is still legal and anything but rare. Furthermore, according to the Pew Research Center the majority of Americans (fifty-eight percent) sincerely believe that abortion should be legal in all or most situations. Thankfully, most (eighty percent) are still civilized enough to believe that third trimester abortions should not happen. That said, most believe abortion should be legal and widely available to anyone who thinks they need one.

 It’s time we asked ourselves why.

 Here’s the thing. I sincerely believe that the problem does not lie with what people know about abortion. The problem lies with how people feel about abortion. Everybody knows it’s a baby.  Even the morally bankrupt morons gleefully whooping and hollering over the passing of their stupid bill know for a fact that the law is about killing babies. Abortionists abort babies, not teddy bears or turtles or masses of tissue.  We don’t even need science to tell us that. All science has done is confirm what our consciences already know (Romans 1:21-28).

 It’s a baby, stupid.

 The pro-life movement has worked tirelessly to change minds. Most in the pro-life movement (including me) believed that when people understood the science behind the pro-life arguments that their minds would be changed and hearts would soon follow. We forgot (or never knew) that it is only heart-felt, bone-level conviction (rather than intellectual acknowledgement) that keeps people from changing their minds back to their previous beliefs when life gets tough or the arguments for the other side get persuasive and/or sophisticated.

 The pro-life movement has done a lot of good things. Those things should continue to be done. The pro-life community should lovingly engage, educate, lobby congress, help the hurting, provide for the needy and raise money for the cause. That said, Christians (of all stripes) should preach the gospel boldly and pray fervently that God brings spiritual revival to our world. Only God can change a human heart and without heart-change the abortion statistics will stay the same.  

 

 

 

What the Gender Debate is Really About

This is what the Lord says: “Stand at the crossroads and look;ask for the ancient paths,ask where the good way is, and walk in it,and you will find rest for your souls” Jeremiah 6:16a NIV

I have had one of those weeks where life and current events have reminded me repeatedly that we live in a civilization that ceased to make sense long ago.

 First, there was the “mental health professional” (I am not making this up) who felt that dragging her nail technician across a parking lot with her car was a reasonable response to a less-than-perfect manicure. Then Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi and Hilary Clinton (three of the most zealous supporters of abortion in the history of our Republic) appointed themselves America’s theologians in residence. They spent the better part of the week quoting Scripture and waxing eloquent on the importance of “caring for the children”. Then there was the Chicago principal who invited an activist who advocates killing the police to talk to elementary school children about career-day.

 Seriously, what the heck kind of career is that anyway?  

Sadly, all of that was rather inconsequential compared to what I discovered in one of my son’s textbooks. Alex is attending a university recognized for its academic programs. For some reason that I still don’t completely understand, my Business Major son is currently taking an elective course entitled “Sports, Adolescence and Schools”.  

The class isn’t really about schools, adolescence or sports. Those subjects are simply a convenient pretext for what the class is really about.  The class is really about gender. More specifically, the class is aimed at brainwashing students (who paid a whopping $1625.00 plus for the cost of the book) into believing that there is no such thing as gender. Gender is simply a societal construct.

The whole boys have a penis and girls have vagina thing is a clever lie we were told by our Neanderthal parents and grandparents to pigeonhole us into performing functions and roles that never needed to be filled. Penises and vaginas are irrelevant because there is no such thing as boys or girls.  There are just random humans who are born with random sex organs that have no real effect on anyone or anything. Those random humans should get to decide for themselves whether or not they want to identify as a boy or a girl or whatever they feel like identifying as at the moment.

My initial reaction to this madness was to shrug it off as just another piece of evidence in the ever-growing pile of evidence that we are in a state of cultural, moral and intellectual decline. But as the week wore on it hit me, the debate over gender is about a whole lot more than gender.

The gender debate is not really about gender at all.

The gender debate is about truth. It’s about whether we can know truth and whether or not our feelings about an issue ought to trump truth. Science is clearly and irrevocably on the side of the existence of only two genders. We are born male and female. DNA proves this beyond a shadow of a doubt. DNA does not offer a third, fourth, fifth, or sixty-third option. Doctors can place a person on the best hormone blockers on the market and the give them the best gender reassignment surgery available but ultimately a simple DNA test will still give them away.

Proponents of multiple genders insist that none of that matters. They tell us that science is irrelevant, it’s how a person feels that really matters. If someone feels like a woman, they are a woman. If someone feels like a man, they are a man. If someone feels a man some of the time and a woman some of the time they are “gender fluid”. Sex organs, DNA, God and common sense be damned.

This is a battle Christians must fight.  If we lose this battle and feelings are allowed to win out over facts, I fear we will slip into a state of moral and intellectual decay that we will never recover from (Romans 1:28-32).

 People need to hear the truth (John 8:32). That said, we must tell the truth in a kind, respectful, but firm way (Ephesians 4:15). We need to take our emotions out of the discussion and lay out the facts. Science is on the side of common sense. There is no scientific evidence for being born in the wrong body, gender fluidity or for sixty-three genders or any of the post-modern gobbledygook that is making the rounds these days. It is imperative that our friends and neighbors understand that when a man believes he is a woman or a woman believes she is a man that person is suffering from a mental illness called Body Dysmorphic Disorder and they need our help, they need our care and they need God. They do not need their friends, family, society or the medical community to play make believe with them.

Christians need to do their homework and then speak the truth courageously, but kindly. We also need to pray fervently that society comes to its collective senses before any more damage is done.

Seven Marriage Killing Behaviors

Whoever loves a quarrel loves sin; whoever builds a high gate invites destruction~ Proverbs 17:19 NIV

 Marriage season is upon us once again and because my husband and I have reached the stage in life where we get invited to attend a lot of weddings I have been thinking quite a bit about the subject of marriage.  More specifically I have been thinking about why some marriages go the distance and others don’t.

 Contemporary wisdom tells us that prevention is key to avoiding marital shipwrecks.  Finding the right person, getting the right counseling beforehand and “being ready for marriage” are exalted as the gold standard of divorce prevention. It would be the height of foolishness to argue against the need for relational compatibility and pre-marital counseling. The importance of those things is obvious, and while I don’t think anyone is ever truly “ready for marriage”. Reaching a certain level of maturity before getting married is without question helpful to the over-all success of any marriage.  

 That said.

 All the pre-marital preparation in the world will not overcome stupidity, meanness, willful sin or relationship mismanagement. What we do after the vows are said is every bit as important (if not more so) than what we do before they are said. There are a number of common blunders people make in marriage that go way beyond mere mistakes, poor choices or communication snafus.  They are behaviors and attitudes that will literally kill a marriage if they are not corrected (and repented of) quickly.  

 The seven marriage killers are:

 The silent treatment-

 The silent treatment is a control tactic used by narcissistic people to bring about change they want to see in the relationship without actually discussing issues or compromising on solutions to problems. The silent treatment is at best, a sign of serious emotional immaturity and at worst it is a serious form of abuse. Those who use it need to understand that it tends to backfire over time. In the beginning of a relationship most partners will respond to silence by doing whatever they think needs to be done to get the conversation started again and the relationship back on track. That said, healthy people will eventually tire of the game playing and begin to distance themselves emotionally from the silencer, if emotional distance is not course-corrected in a marriage divorce is almost always inevitable. It all comes down to learning to use your words and being willing to compromise (Ephesians 5:21). It’s what grown-ups do in grown-up relationships.   

 Pornography-

 Conventional “wisdom” tells us that pornography is only a problem if one party in the relationship objects or if one person looks at pornography without the other being present. This “wisdom” is worldly idiocy. Nothing does more to create an environment where sin can flourish or erodes trust between two people more quickly than pornography (Exodus 20:14). Looking at pornography is the act of bringing other people into the part of the relationship that was intended (by God) for only the husband and the wife. Bringing pornography into a marriage directly contradicts the command given in Hebrews 13:4 to “keep the marriage bed pure and undefiled”. Pornography is not an acceptable or smart way to “spice things up”.

 Deceit-

 Deceitfulness can take on many different forms including emotional affairs, physical affairs, hiding financial information or just generally keeping secrets from the other person. Whatever form deceitfulness takes it puts up walls in the relationship and destroys trust. Marriages simply will not survive without trust.  (Leviticus 19:11, Colossians 3:9, Proverbs 17:19, Deuteronomy 5:18).

 Using sex as a weapon

 Sex is one of those sticky-wicket issues that most couples avoid talking about to the detriment of the relationship. Don’t. Sex is one of the key reasons most people (especially Christian people) get married so it ought to be discussed. Do not get in the habit of withholding sex as “punishment” for real or imagined offenses. It’s not nice and it’s not biblical (1stCorinthians 7:4).

 Disrespect-  

 Disrespect covers a whole range of behaviors. It encompasses screaming, rudeness, spitefulness and not taking the other person’s desires, preferences or needs into consideration.  The worst and most damaging kind of disrespect almost always involves the words we use (Proverbs 12:18, Colossians 4:6, Ephesians 4:29). Cursing, belittling or name-calling during a conflict is a surefire way to kill romantic love quickly.  If we all just obeyed the command Jesus gave in Matthew 7:12 and treated our spouse how we want to be treated the vast majority of marital problems would disappear overnight.

 Abuse-

  Seriously, this one is a no-brainer (Malachi 2:15-17). If it’s a problem in your marriage get help immediately.

 Refusing to become a team-

 No marriage will survive unless the husband and the wife are both one-hundred percent committed to the good of the other. Once we say “I do” it ceases to be about us and becomes about the two of us (Matthew 19:5-6). Teamwork in marriage means willingly sacrificing our own personal wants, needs and desires at least some of the time for the good of the other person and the relationship (Ephesians 5:20-33) . If at any time sacrificing becomes habitually one-sided the team will crumble and so will the marriage.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Four Myths that Wreck Marriages


For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, the two will become one flesh. So, they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate~ Mark 10:7-10

I have observed that Christians universally hold marriage in high regard irrespective of their denominational affiliation. The vast majority of Christians marry. Most Christians who are not married wish that they were. Marriage conferences are ubiquitous in Christian circles and the vast majority of books written on the subject of marriage were written by Christian authors. 

 All that being said, the divorce rate among Christians remains stubbornly high and nothing any of us do seems to budge it.

I am convinced that the problem is not with our attitude toward divorce. I have never met a Christian (or anyone else) who advocated for divorce or who felt divorce was a desirable outcome. I believe the problem lies in how many Christians view marriage. We have bought into some dangerous myths regarding marriage. 

It is not my intention to heap guilt on the divorced. Most divorced people have experienced more than enough guilt for a lifetime and I have no desire to add to their pile. I do want to attempt to save some relationships by sharing some common (and hurtful) myths we believe about marriage:

Myth #1 There is one “right” way to do marriage-

My husband and I are not big fans of marriage conferences. Mostly because they tend to offer one-size-fits-all solutions to complex problems. The speaker typically begins by informing the audience that there is a “detailed biblical blueprint for marriage” and if followed to the letter the relationship is “guaranteed to be successful.” It is true that the Bible offers clear teaching on what a Christian marriage should look like. The essential components of a healthy,  Christian marriage include faithfulness (Hebrews 13:4), mutual submission (Ephesians 5:21), love (Ephesians 5:25), respect (Ephesians 5:33, 1st Peter 3:7), as well as an understanding of responsibilities within marriage (1st Corinthians 7:2-5, Colossians 3). The how of working all that out simply does not exist anywhere in the biblical text. I believe the Bible is intentionally vague on this issue because it’s up to each individual couple to figure out what all that looks like within the confines of their own relationship.Anytime someone presents a “detailed blueprint” for marriage, the blueprint tends to ignore the reality that every couple is different, all marriages are unique and the needs of individuals change over time. There is no one way to do the details of marriage as long as the relationship itself is built on mutual respect, love, kindness, and forgiveness.

Myth #2 Words don’t matter-

Words hurt, and if we hurt others often enough with our words any love that was once present dies a slow and agonizing death. Telling your wife she is a fat pig, or calling your husband a stupid moron is the quickest and most efficient way to destroy a marriage. The best advice my husband and I were ever given was to speak kindly to each other even during conflict. Choosing our words wisely does not mean that we ignore issues or never disagree. It just means that we say what needs to be said without attacking the personhood of our spouse.

Myth #3 Love means being accepted exactly the way I am- 

The self-esteem movement has taught us that we are all unique, flawless creatures designed by our Maker to bless the universe with our existence. Self-examination is not a big part of the self-esteem movement so when someone comes along who refuses to affirm our “uniqueness” as perfection, our initial instinct is to simply ignore their negativity and/or cut them out of our lives. The Bible teaches that the truth sets us free (John 8:32) and marriage was designed by God to reveal the (sometimes ugly) truth about ourselves.  It is essential we face the reality no one is perfect and we all have things we need to change about ourselves (Romans 3:23). We love others well when we demonstrate a willingness to change the behaviors that are creating conflict in our relationship.

Myth #4 Marriage is all about finding the right one- 

This lie is the stuff of fairy tales and is at the root of every other lie we believe about marriage. This myth implies that there is only one person who is suited to each of us and finding that one person guarantees a blissful union.  Hard work, personal responsibility and commitment to personal growth are not a big part of the “right one” mythology. Some spiritualize the myth by telling themselves that if they aren’t happy “they didn’t find the one God had for them”. Happily married people will tell you that a successful marriage is more about being the right person than finding the right person. Marriages are successful when both parties are willing to work through conflict, serve one another, find common ground, and meet each other’s needs (1stCorinthians 13, 1stCorinthians 7:3-4, Ephesians 5:33). Compatibility should not be overlooked when choosing a spouse, but it is possible to find a person with whom you have perfect compatibility and still destroy the relationship with pettiness, spitefulness, selfishness, and disrespect. 

 

How to Parent Without Cursing the Future

Teach them His decrees and instructions, and show them the way they are to live and how they are to behave~ Exodus 18:20 NIV

 A theme that remains consistent throughout the Bible is the notion of blessings and curses (Leviticus 28, Deuteronomy 30:19, Psalm 128:2, Proverbs 10:6, Malachi 2:2, 1st Corinthians 9:2). The Bible clearly communicates that certain attitudes and activities bring with them blessings and other (usually opposite) attitudes and behaviors bring with them curses.

 I, for one, have never been a big proponent of the view that the Almighty is sitting around heaven scrutinizing the actions of people searching feverishly for opportunities to bring curses down on people, their children, or their children’s children. Rather, I believe that we bring curses on others and ourselves (sometimes unwittingly) with the choices we make in this life.

 There is no area where this is truer than in the arena of parenting.

 The notion that parents bless or curse their children (sometimes without knowing it) is a biblical one (Ezekiel 18:2, Psalm 37:26, Proverbs 31:27-29, Ephesians 6:1-4). However, this concept is not just a Christian notion. It’s an idea even an idiot can grasp. One does not need a crystal ball to see that a child born to a married Mother and Father, determined to provide a stable and loving home, will have a much greater chance of success in life than a child born to a poor, drug-addicted Mother and an indifferent baby-daddy.

 It’s common sense.

 There is more to the notion of blessing children (and future generations) than simple economics or even marital status, and it’s bigger than just our kids or grandkids. No man (or woman) is an island; therefore the values one generation sows into their children impacts society in powerful ways, sometimes for generations to come. It is not excessively melodramatic to say that history can be altered (for good or bad) by the parenting choices of a single generation.

 That said, as a society we aren’t exactly hitting it out of the ballpark in this area. In fact, judging from the sorry state of our culture, we are long overdue for a gut check in how we parent our kids. I believe there are five changes we desperately need to make if we want to parent in a way that blesses rather than curses our children and our culture.

 Beginning with:

 Living lives free of addiction-

 Nothing does more to curse future generations than a drug, alcohol, or porn addiction. Period. The most productive thing one generation can for another is to stay off of drugs.

Letting kids lose-

 Educated middle-class American parents are undoubtedly some of the kindest and best-intentioned parents in the history of the world. Alas, the road to hell really is paved with good intentions. In an effort to shield children from the hurt, frustration and disappointment we all encountered as children we do stuff that looks and feels merciful and kind (like giving everyone a trophy). However, those acts of kindness keep kids from growing into adults who know how to work for what they want and who can handle the setbacks of life with grace and resilience. Kids who are not taught to handle disappointment inevitably grow into adults who act out and hurt others when the going gets tough.

 Being the leader-

 Some child-rearing “experts” have duped parents into believing that children instinctively know what is best for them. This twaddle is going to create a leadership crisis in the future because we learn to lead by following. Young children (under seven) are by their very nature immature, egotistical and for all practical purposes kind of dumb. God gave kids parents to teach them to be healthy, altruistic, thoughtful human beings (Ephesians 6:1). We do that by taking the reins and making most of the decisions when they are very young (under seven) and then coaching them into good decision-making (while still giving them freedom to fail), as they get older.  

 Being in the room-

 In order to parent well, parents need to be fully present; it is all but impossible to be fully present while playing a game on your phone or perusing Facebook. Furthermore, kids learn to be good communicators (a prerequisite for a healthy future) by communicating. No one communicates effectively while preoccupied by a screen.

 Teaching them to work-

 The Bible clearly teaches that work is good (Colossians 3:23, 2nd Thessalonians 3:10). Work is important because it keeps us out of trouble, makes us productive, teaches us to manage our time and gives us the ability to share with those less fortunate. I firmly believe that young people should have at least one job working with the public. Working with people will keep them humble and free from the sin of elitism (James 2:1-9).  

 Fearing God-

 Loving God is good (Deuteronomy 11:1, Mark 12:30), but fearing Him is better (Proverbs 1:7, Proverbs 10:27, Leviticus 25:7). This is because the fear of the Lord leads to wisdom, (Psalm 111:10) obedience, (Psalm 128:1) the shunning of evil, (Job 28:28) long life (Psalm 14:27) and all of that leads to a society that thrives. We teach kids to fear God by teaching them that God is who He says He is and does what He says He will do.

 Anyone with eyes can see that our culture has serious problems. Most of our problems are a result of the choices parents have made with their children over the course of the last four decades. It is not too late to course correct, but it will take parents acting like parents again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Six Things that Must be Done if We Really Want to End Gun Violence

 Through wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established~ Proverbs 24:3 NKJV

By now, pretty much everyone reading this is aware that there was another horrific school shooting last week, this time in the state of Florida.

 The shooter was troubled young man with a hazy past who suffered from a plethora of shockingly obvious psychological problems. That said, at this point there is little to be gained from discussing the shooter, the body count, the young man’s family situation, or even the appalling number of local, state and federal agencies who bungled the job of preventing this bizarrely preventable tragedy.

 All that is painfully irrelevant at this point.

 It seems to me that it’s far more productive to discuss what we can do to fix the flaming-hot-dumpster-fire of a mess we have made out of our society. News outlets have interviewed a number of high school students who are understandably panicked about their safety and concerned for the future. It’s become painfully obvious that too many of these people are having their fear exploited by manipulative activists who are feeding them the lie that there is a quick fix to our nation’s problem with random gun violence.

 No such fix exists because the problem with gun violence is not about guns; it’s about people and the condition of their hearts (Jeremiah 17:9). The number of gun owners in this country has actually decreased over the course of the last century. During the same period, more restrictions have been placed on who can and cannot own guns and yet gun violence has risen sharply in recent decades. This detail is troublesome and it ought to motivate us to dig deeper rather than simply looking for a quick fix to a complicated issue.

 Gun violence can be slowed substantially if we as a society are willing to do a little soul searching and make some changes in our attitudes and behaviors (Mark 1:15, Acts 3:19).

 Those changes must include:

 An end to the drug culture-

 Over the course of the last three decades there has been a sharp increase in the number of children born to drug using mothers. These babies tend to grow into children and young adults with intellectual deficits who have a tough time in school and later with securing gainful employment. Children born to drug-using mothers tend to struggle with impulse control, anti-social behavior, relationship skills, making responsible choices, and anger (all risks for violent behavior). I am not suggesting that all children born to drug-using mothers are doomed to be school shooters, or that every school shooter was born with drugs in their system. I am saying straight up that every single time a child is born to a drug user the risk-pool for violent behavior is increased by one. If young people want to change the future of this country and decrease the risk of violence they should seek to end the drug culture.

 Getting married and staying that way-

 Loving, healthy, stable two-parent homes rarely produce mass-murders. If we as a society want to reduce gun violence we should celebrate intact families and encourage young people to build said families.

 An end to celebrating narcissism-

 We live in a pathetically sad age of me, me, and more me. Selfies are actually a thing and people are marrying themselves for the love-of-all-that-is-good-and-decent. If we want to change the future we must change our focus (Leviticus 19:18, Romans 13:8, Matthew 22:36-40). When a child spends their youth focusing entirely on his or her feelings and needs-to the exclusion of everyone else’s feelings and needs-it makes it shockingly easy for some of them to hurt other people and not feel bad about it.

 Fighting for reform in public schools-

 For decades now, public schools have sought to carefully craft a value-neutral environment. This means avoiding teaching children values that might be considered controversial out fear of offending a family who might have a differing set of values. The problem with not teaching values is that values are as much caught as they are taught. If one does not teach the value that human life should be protected and nurtured at all costs, then some kids will catch the value that taking a human life (or seventeen human lives, or a hundred human lives) is not really that big of a deal. Parents and students should demand more from their public schools.

 Ending our love-affair with violent entertainment-

 Seriously. There is no way Game of Thrones, Dexter, American Horror Story and violent video games are making us better, healthier and more compassionate people. If we want to end violence in our schools we have to stop feeding children (and adults) an unending diet of violent and vile entertainment that hardens hearts and sears consciences.

 Going to church-

 I hesitated to add this one—not because I doubt the value of church but because without the heart change that can only come through a relationship with Jesus, simply attending church can easily devolve into a meaningless exercise that does little for anyone. That said, church is God’s chosen vehicle for bringing truth to those who don’t know Him and for training those who do know Him (Ephesians 1:22, Ephesians 4:11-16). It is also the place where we learn what God requires of people (Mark 1:15, Acts 16:31, 1st John 3:23) and where (if church is being done right) we develop a desire to please Him by treating other people with respect, kindness and mercy (Micah 6:8).

 Truth be told, even the best laws are incapable of changing a single human heart and without changed hearts societies remain sick. If we want to make our society better we have to become better people and we cannot do that without God (Ezekiel 36:26).

 

 

 

 

 

 

Five Tips to Fix A Bad Marriage

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up~ Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV

 My husband and I have been married for nearly three decades and our marriage (like most marriages) has gone through its fair share of ups and downs over the years. Through the good and the bad I have concluded that there is nothing in this world quite as good as a great marriage. Nothing is better or more rewarding in this life than the closeness, camaraderie and fun of a healthy, happy marriage. Conversely, a bad marriage is nothing short of a living hell. There are simply no words to describe the awkward agony of waking-up every single day of your life next to the person you least want to talk to.

 It just sucks.

 All marriages (even the really great ones) inevitably go through at least one season where communication halts and the relationship feels doomed. During this period both parties inevitably wonder if it’s even worth it to keep trying.

 Like many young couples, that season came fairly early on in our marriage. We spent the better part of one really miserable year either squabbling bitterly over the most stupid stuff imaginable or giving each other the silent treatment over the same stupid stuff. Needless to say we were not living our best life. However at the end of that really awful year, we had worked through a horde of really thorny issues, our relationship was stronger and we were both better, happier people.

 Marriage matters. Therefore everything that can be done to fix a bad marriage should be done. Every marriage is different and every situation is unique, so there is no one-size-fits-all solution to fixing a bad marriage. However, the following five recommendations can be a game-changer in even the most broken relationships:

 Choose to be kind no matter how the other person responds-

 Not surprisingly, kindness is a quality conspicuously missing in unhappy marriages. Too often we wait for the other person to be kind before we begin being kind. Sadly, this sort of willful pride never yields positive results. In order for the healing process to begin, one person has to humble him or herself and commit to speaking kindly to—and doing thoughtful things for—the other person (even if they act like a jerk at first). Usually, the other person eventually responds in kind and the marriage gets a new beginning.    

Lay down your weapons-

 Each part of an unhappy couple has their own arsenal of verbal weapons they use to emotionally pummel their spouse. It might be calling the other person hurtful names or constantly reminding them of a past sin or bringing up a character flaw. Whatever it is, at the root of any arsenal is one of two things: either the sin of unforgiveness or pure meanness. Either way I advise immediate repentance.

 Nix the silent treatment-

 Not everyone uses the silent treatment. Those who do, use it to shut down conversations they are too immature to have or as a tool to get their own way. People who employ this method have learned that if they clam-up for long enough, more often than not, the other person will eventually acquiesce to whatever they want just to end the awkwardness. The silent treatment is a self-indulgent, passive-aggressive power play that not only destroys marriages but friendships and even the parent-child bond. It’s dangerous because eventually the other person will weary of the perpetual game playing and either walk out on the relationship or stay, adjust to the silence and begin living their own life. Either way the marriage is over. If one or both parties need time to calm down, that’s fine, as long as things eventually get talked out.

 Call sin sin and and make the choice to repent-

I am thankful to the modern psychology movement because it has helped us to understand the reasons why people do the weird, sinful things people do. That said, psychology has also helped to create an environment where we blame our sin on other people or trauma, rather than our own choices. It is not uncommon for Christians to blame genetics, stress, or a bad upbringing for behavior the Bible calls willful sinfulness. The bottom line is that no matter our experiences we are all responsible before God for what we do and don’t do. We all have the ability to make changes. Change can only begin with the acknowledgment that our behavior is sinful (even if the behavior or attitude has a genetic component or came about as a result of trauma) and needs to be changed. This must be followed-up with a commitment to obedience and permanent repentance.

 Look at you-

 One characteristic common to all bad marriages is that both parties almost always have their focus firmly fixed on the bad behavior of their spouse. Conversely, typically both parties are totally unwilling to own-up to their own bad habits, problems, and sins and acknowledge how those behaviors and attitudes are creating chaos in the relationship. If you want to fix your marriage, stop focusing on what the other person is or isn’t doing. Instead, make a commitment to pray about what you need to change or begin doing so that you can become the husband or wife God wants you to be.      

Raising a Kid Who Has a Conscience

Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it~ Proverbs 22:6 NKJV

The disturbing slaughter in Las Vegas last week caused me to think about a subject I rarely tackle in this blog: parenting. It struck me as I was watching the news that anytime there is a mass shooting the first thing we do is search for a motive to make sense of the senseless. If the killer is a minor we want to know if the killer was bullied by his peers or abused by his parents. If the shooter is an adult we want to know if the shooting was racially or religiously motivated. If those scenarios don’t fit, we search madly for something else to explain away the behavior of the killer: like a job loss or a mental illness.

 Stephen Paddock’s motivations are proving difficult to pin down. By all accounts he was financially secure, not obviously political, not obviously religious and apparently not angry about anything in particular. He was also seemingly in his right mind right up until the moment he opened fire on a crowd of strangers.

 Those facts make this mess much harder to sort out, until you look for the one denominator common to all mass shooters: a shocking absence of conscience.

 The Bible teaches that all humans are born into this world with a rudimentary conscience that bears witness to two simple truths. The first truth being that God is (Romans 1:19-20). The second is that some sins including murder, adultery and theft are universally wrong (Romans 2:14). The Bible teaches that a conscience can be seared or stunted by willful sin in adulthood, poor parenting in childhood and exposure to bad teaching or evil people (1st Corinthians 15:33, 1st Timothy 4:2, Proverbs 19:18, Proverbs 29:17).

 The best time to develop a conscience and prevent the types of tragedies we saw this past week in Las Vegas is early childhood (Proverbs 22:6). Following are five simple strategies to help your child develop a conscience. Starting with:

 Teach your child to put the needs of others first- 1st Corinthians 10:24

 Many parenting programs place teaching children to put-up boundaries as the number one parenting priority. Kids do need to learn healthy boundaries, especially when it comes to inappropriate touching. Kids also need to understand that it’s okay to say “no” to a person who is taking advantage of them. However, sometimes “boundaries” is just another word for selfishness. In order to develop a healthy conscience children need to learn that everyone else is every bit as important and special as they are. This is achieved by teaching them to put other people first, taking turns, sharing when they don’t feel like it and speaking to others (including their parents) respectfully.

 Teach kids to fear God- Proverbs 1:7

 If you’re teaching your kids to love God, you are only doing half the job. Kids also need to understand that God is the all-powerful and all-knowing Creator of the universe and that He expects people to show their love for Him through obedience to His commands (John 14:15, John 14:23-24, Luke 11:28). Kids also need to know that there will come a day when God will judge all people for everything they do, both good and bad (Revelation 20:12-13). When kids understand these basic facts it incentivizes them to do right by other people.

Expect Gratitude- 2nd Timothy 3:1-3

 Not in a “you should be grateful I fed you today, you miserable little wretch” sort of way. That is simply never okay. However, there are times when kids need to be reminded to be grateful for the things other people work hard to provide. It’s also good to expose kids to people who are less fortunate than they are. Exposure to the less fortunate will make them compassionate, thankful people. Appreciative, kindhearted people do not open fire on crowds of strangers.

 Teach kids to think about how their words and actions affect others- Matthew 7:12

 Children do not naturally think of others, nor do they automatically comprehend how their actions affect others. Kids who are not taught to think of others tend to grow-up to be the type of people who call-in sick when they’re not sick, cheat on their spouse or commit crimes without thinking about how their behavior will affect others.

 Only praise actual achievement- Proverbs 14:25

 Kids do need to be encouraged. However, telling children they did something awesome when they did something ordinary is a lie that inflates their ego and causes them to think they are better and smarter than they really are. This creates an ideal breeding ground for pride and arrogance to take root in their hearts. Prideful, arrogant people rarely care about others and caring about others is the foundation for building a healthy conscience.

 I know absolutely nothing about Steven Paddocks childhood nor do I know how his conscience became seared to the point where he felt okay about opening fire on a crowd of strangers. I do know that normal people with healthy consciences simply do not do such things. I also know that teaching kids to care about others and to fear their Creator is the one thing we can all do to prevent tragedies like this one in the future.

What the Heck Are We Doing?

 So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days.  Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do~ Ephesians 5:15-17 NLT

Reader warning:

The subject matter of this post is not a topic I would typically choose to discuss and I apologize in advance for the rawness of the subject matter. It is not my intention to shock or offend, there is simply no polite way to discuss this issue. I had a long debate with myself (I do that sometimes) about whether or not to even address this issue (mostly because it’s kind of icky and offensive). In the end I decided it was wrong not to address an issue that has such deep ramifications for our culture.

 Teen Vogue (a magazine for girls between 11 and 17) won the cultural race to the bottom this month when they featured a graphic how-to on anal sex aimed at teenage girls. The article presented heterosexual anal sex in the most positive terms imaginable. Which is odd considering the fact that even the dependably progressive cheerleaders for teen sex and unfettered abortion at the Alan Guttmacher Institute have nothing positive to say about the practice.

 Not a word was spoken concerning the risks associated with anal sex, although the Alan Guttmacher Institute stresses in their literature that anal sex is an extremely risky behavior. Short-term risks include extreme pain and anxiety during sex, emotional trauma after, and anal tearing (sometimes requiring surgery to repair). Long-term risks include an increased risk of anal cancer, a 17 times greater risk of contracting HIV from an infected partner and fecal incontinence (and yes, that means exactly what you think it means).

 Understand that I am not judging or attempting to dictate what consenting adults do privately. That is simply none of my business. However, I cannot help but think that a list of the potential medical risks would be relevant information to include in an article concerning a demonstrably risky sexual practice. It seems to me that even consenting adults would value that information and are in fact entitled to receive it. .

 I believe the Teen Vogue article exposes some seriously ugly truths concerning our civilization (I use that term loosely). Most notably, it clearly reveals that we are not a society that cares about the heath and welfare of women, especially young women.

 The woman assumes virtually all the risk during anal sex. Yet Teen Vogue did not see fit to warn their readers concerning any of the risks involved in this type of sex. Teen Vogue also neglected to mention the violence that frequently surrounds this sexual practice. A study done by the Alan Guttmacher Institute reveals that 25% of women who participated in anal sex admitted to being forced into it at least once. Sadly, this is not the only topic where sex educators and progressives display an obvious lack of concern for the psychological, emotional and physical welfare of women.

 Abortion is another situation where the man benefits (by walking away from the moral and financial responsibility of parenthood) while the woman is left dealing with the potential physical and emotional consequences of the procedure. Those risks include distress during and following the abortion, bowel and bladder perforation, infection, cervical laceration, hemorrhage, infertility and depression.

 Sadly, progressives typically present abortion as a sanitary, beautiful and necessary equalizer and liberator for women. No one ever mentions that abortion is just another avenue for men to escape the responsibilities of their sexual choices.

 The very existence of a magazine like Teen Vogue reveals a disturbing lack of good sense on the part of too many parents in this country. When my oldest daughter was a young teen (and asking to read Teen Vogue) I paid a visit to the local library and read through a couple of issues of both Teen Vogue and Seventeen Magazine. As a result I was not at all surprised to learn Teen Vogue had published a how-to on anal sex.

 I am thunderstruck that there is a parent alive who would voluntarily shell out their hard-earned cash for even a single copy of that steaming pile of subversive crap (feel free to insert a stronger word here if your theology will allow it).

 Seriously.

 Parents who choose to purchase this or any other magazine for their children without carefully reading through it first are hopelessly naïve and doubtless contributing to the moral downfall of their children. Parents in this country need to wake up and recognize the ugly truth that the publishing industry is plagued with unscrupulous, amoral people who do not care about the spiritual health of our children.

 Christians must commit to praying daily for revival and a return to our collective senses. As a culture we have moved away from God and even the most basic of truths and as a result we have become the most pitiable kind of fools. Fools who promote dangerous practices for no good purpose other than to corrupt the hearts and minds of the most vulnerable among us.

 Judgment cannot be far off.

  

 

 

Defending a Cause I Believe In

                                                                                                                                                     Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from God. Psalm 127:3 NIV

 I just finished reading an article that left me feeling rather melancholy.

 The article was originally published in Marie Claire magazine, and is entitled “Inside the Growing Movement of Women Who Wish They Never Had Kids”. The writer tells the stories of women from around the world who freely admit that they seriously regret having kids.

 I am a bit of a skeptic, so at first I was dubious. Surely, the author was overstating the extent of the issue to get clicks and sell magazines. However, some quick research revealed that this is indeed a real thing. I found dozens of articles on the subject and a plethora of chat rooms and support groups that serve as safe spaces for women who sincerely wish they never had kids.

 My first impulse was to judge.

 Not because they feel the way they feel. I learned long ago that feelings (unlike actions) are not something that can be easily controlled. And as someone who has had some pretty inappropriate thoughts and feelings concerning all sorts of things and people I would never judge anyone for feeling a particular way.

 That said, I struggle to withhold judgment when I see folks vomiting up their feelings all over cyberspace. Call me old-fashioned, but even in the age of compulsive over-sharing I still believe there are circumstances where it is thoroughly appropriate to shut our pie-holes and keep some feelings bottled-up nice and tight.

 Because defending a cause is a far more noble pursuit than judging others I’m going to drop the judgment and attempt to make a defense for the cause of Motherhood. I will not attempt to feed you some insipid or overly spiritualized line about how fulfilling and blissful every moment of motherhood is, that is simply not true. Like most things in life mothering does have its moments of blissful fulfillment, but it’s far from easy and blissful especially in the early years.

 As the Mother of four I know that while you’re in the middle of raising young children, parenting FEELS like a lot of hard work and frustration punctuated with moments of agonizing self-doubt. But as someone who has raised kids to adulthood I can also tell you that mothering is worth the effort for four reasons:

 Mothering impacts the future like nothing else-

 To my eternal shame my children know very little about their great-Grandmother. She died long before they were born and I doubt any of them could tell me her first name. They certainly don’t know what she did for a living or any details concerning her overall net worth. However, I see a lot of the attitudes she modeled including fair-mindedness, generosity, and the value of hard work living on in them. She sowed those ideals into me and I have done my level best to pass her legacy on to them. Most people a hundred years from now will not know or care about what you did for a living but they will know exactly what you valued in life because they will see those values living on in future generations.

 Mothering is the best discipleship opportunity you are ever going to get-

 Most Christians long to make a spiritual impact on the future. Sadly, few of us feel we are given much of an opportunity to affect spiritual change in others. Parenting gives us the better part of two decades to impart spiritual truth into the hearts of our kids. If we go the extra mile and live the truth we teach we will make a significant spiritual impact on the lives of the kids we raise and they in turn will make an impact on future generations.

 Mothering has the power to make us better people-

 Mothering reveals in living color every single one of our shortcomings and less-than-healthy coping mechanisms. When our weaknesses are exposed we have two options, we can ignore reality or we can become better people. There is nothing quite like having a couple of kids watching to give us the incentive needed to work at becoming better people.

 Parenting makes us dependent on God for wisdom and direction-

 Seriously, anyone who has parented for more than an hour knows that parenting is scary. Being scared causes a lot of people to look to God and we are all better people when we are looking to God for insight and assistance.

 For decades now women have been fed the lie that motherhood is a waste of our time, energy, and talents. That lie is fostered in blogs and magazine articles promoting a survivor approach to parenting, snarky memes belittling motherhood and cutesy signs inscribed with “charming” little adages like “Mommy needs vodka” and “don’t mind the mess the children are being a**holes”. With those attitudes so deeply rooted in our culture it’s not surprising that many women regret having kids. As Christian women it is incumbent on us to take the long view of things and remember that we are not called to live comfortable, stress-free lives today, rather we are called to live for future generations.