Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. All bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and slander must be removed from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you- Ephesians 4:30-32 NASB
Hebrews chapters twelve and thirteen are home to some of the most practical bits of wisdom in all the Bible. The writer encourages all sorts of smart behaviors including living at peace with others, practicing hospitality, cooperation with church leaders, sexual purity and obedience to God (Hebrews 12:14, Hebrews 12:16, Hebrews 13:1-2, Hebrews 12:25). The writer also cautions against foolishness like getting caught up in weird doctrine, greed and sinful living (Hebrews 12:5, Hebrews 13:9, Hebrews 13:17).
All good stuff.
The writer also warns readers against allowing a “bitter root” (Hebrews 12:15) to develop in their lives. Some consequences of a “bitter root” include missing the grace of God (yikes) and responsibility for the “defilement” of others (double yikes).
Anyone who has lived long enough to acquire a little wisdom understands exactly what the writer is saying when they warn against bitterness. If a Christian (or a heathen) chooses to make their home in the bitter barn, they cannot help but become spiteful, judgmental, negative, hard-hearted and a challenge to get along with. Bitter roots also cause us to become deeply disappointed with God (Ephesians 4:31). These are all simply the natural consequences of choosing bitterness (Acts 8:23, Job 10:1).
If bitterness is not dealt with these mindsets become a permanent part of the bitter person’s heart. This creates hurt, pain and confusion in those in closest proximity to the bitter person. Family almost always gets the worst of it. Most what we think of as generational curses are caused by a bitter root that never got dealt with. It is critical we understand the roots of a bitter root so we can be healed emotionally and spiritually. Healing allows us to live in freedom and pass on a legacy of spiritual and emotional health to the next generation. Following are three roots of a root of bitterness:
Unmet expectations-
Everyone has expectations. Most folks do not know enough about themselves to know what their expectations are. Knowing what we expect out of life is critical. When we know what we expect from God, our spouse, our adult kids, friends and church family we can easily figure out if expectations are reasonable and fair. Oftentimes we (subconsciously) expect God to bless us with wealth and comfort. We want our friends and spouses to be perfectly tuned in to our needs. We expect our adult children to express gratitude for all our effort and churches to understand and meet all our spiritual and relational needs. These expectations are wildly unrealistic in a fallen world. Other times our expectations are more realistic. We anticipate that our spouse and friends will be loyal, our adult kids will be kind, and our church leaders will behave in a way that is respectable. Although, these expectations are reasonable they are not always met in a fallen world (Romans 3:23). Whether our expectations are reasonable or crazy town, it is critical we learn to recognize when they are not being met so that we can guard against the bitterness that naturally occurs with unmet expectations.
Trauma-
Trauma is the biggest and most understandable cause of a bitter root. That said, just because something makes sense doesn’t mean we should allow it to become a permanent part of our personality. God cautions against bitterness partly because it steals the joy of living. The last thing a hurting person needs is to have their ability to enjoy life stolen after they endured a trauma. Traumatic events would include (but are not limited to) rape, sexual abuse, sex trafficking, physical abuse, being denied basic needs (food, water, shelter) and severe mental abuse. It is typically necessary for trauma victims to get help from a professional to move past the very real effects of trauma. Unfortunately, many in our generation have dumbed down the definition of trauma to include events that are disappointing and difficult but not truly traumatic. These events include (but are not limited to) being left out, feeling unheard and not having our expectations (reasonable or unreasonable) met. Those who have experienced disappointment or hurt made need help as well moving past their pain as well. All counseling should have the end-goal in mind of bringing the person to a place of inner peace and forgiveness (more on this later).
Betrayal-
Anytime we experience betrayal there is an opportunity for bitterness to take root. This is doubly true if the betrayal was at the hands of someone who should have cared about us, like a parent, spouse, child or close friend. Betrayal needs to be worked through with a wise friend, pastor or Christan counselor to prevent bitterness from becoming permanent.
Bitterness doesn’t happen in a vacuum.
Bitterness is enticing precisely because there is oftentimes a real reason to be bitter. Only a few insanely sensitive people become bitter without cause. This reality makes it even more critical we fight to be free of bitterness.
Ultimately, bitter roots are a result of unforgiveness and a lack of spiritual healing (Jeremiah 17:14, Colossians 3:13, Luke 6:37, Psalm 30:2). In order to forgive and get free of bitterness we must receive the truth that God is not the author of evil or sin (Matthew 18:6, Luke 17:1-2). God weeps with those who weep. He was not asleep at the wheel when that person hurt us. Additionally, God will not allow an unrepentant evil person to go unpunished (Isaiah 13:11, Psalm 81:15, Jeremiah 2:18, Luke 20:47, 2nd Thessalonians 1:8-10). When we understand deep in our hearts that God is not the author of our pain it becomes easier to trust Him and let Him exact punishment on those who have caused us pain.
