Category: Marriage

The Idols We are Okay With-

Lisa M. PriceLeave a comment

Even while these people were worshipping the Lord, they were serving their idols. To this day their children and grandchildren continue to do as their ancestors did- 2nd Kings 17:41 NIV

I have known a lot of Christians over the years, all sorts of people who love Jesus and have dedicated their lives to serving Him. Jesus is their God and they are His people (John 10:2-4, Matthew 16:24). 

 Not one of these God-fearing people had a little statue somewhere in their house they bowed down to (1st John 5:1). The notion of a born-again Jesus follower bowing down to a statue is unthinkable to modern Christians.  Even the most broad-minded of Christians know better than to get mixed up in that kind of pagan monkey business.

However. 

This does not mean contemporary Christians are in the clear when it comes to idolatry. People are people and at the root of the human condition is a propensity towards idolatry (Ecclesiastes 1:9, Psalm 106:36, Jeremiah 2:5). We are just a bit more discreet and sophisticated in our acts of idolatry. 

An idol is anything that takes the place where God rightfully belongs. Idols steal our devotion and fidelity away from God and direct it towards something or someone else. An idol can also be an activity, thing or substance we get something out of that we should only get from God. I’m talking about things like security, comfort or feelings of wellbeing. The whole issue of idolatry is complicated by the sad reality that an idol is often a good thing we are giving too much space to in our lives.  The problem with idols is that they blow us off course spiritually and lead us away from Jesus, sometimes without us even knowing it. 

We all need a good self-check now and again, especially when it comes to this issue. The four idols that sneak up on us are: 

Marriage- 

Marriage is a noble, good, God-ordained thing (Proverbs 18:22, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Ecclesiastes 9:9, Mark 10:6-8, Hebrews 13:4). I would never argue against marriage in a million years. That being said, many Christians have some really messed up ideas about marriage. There are those who genuinely believe a person cannot be complete or whole unless they marry. If this were true Jesus would be insufficient because He never married. Moreover, many Christians put their marriage first to the detriment of their relationship with God. They will forgo obedience in some area or put their faith on the back burner in an effort to please (or appease) their spouse. Still others, willingly tolerate all kinds of sinful behavior (adultery, abuse, lying, drug and alcohol addiction) in their spouse simply to keep the peace.  All of these behaviors give marriage a place it was never intended to occupy.  The apostle Peter encourages those who find themselves unequally yoked in marriage to put their faith first and live exemplary lives in the hopes of leading their spouse to Jesus (1st Peter 3:1). It is critical we understand God gave us marriage to make us better not as a safe harbor for our worst tendencies to run wild. If marriage isn’t leading us towards greater holiness, it’s probably an idol. Some adjustments are needed. Pronto.

Kids-

Making our children into an idol is nothing new. Eli the priest allowed his sons to have first place in his life.  (1stSamuel 2:12-4:11). Many parents have followed Eli’s lead and made their kids their everything. Parents worry endlessly about their kids comfort and happiness to the detriment of their character. Parents are oftentimes so concerned about damaging the relationship with their kids they refuse to discipline or confront clear and obvious sin. This is not good. We should always do our best to be kind to everyone, including our kids. That said, our call as parents is not to have a “great relationship” with our kids (adults or youngsters). Our call is to lead them to Jesus and sow godly character traits into them.  We can’t do that if we are more concerned with their feelings towards us than we are the state of their souls. 

Addiction- 

An addiction is not just a bad habit, nor is addiction simply an outgrowth of trauma, an indicator of poor coping skills or genetic predisposition that’s run amok. Addiction does have emotional, physical and genetic factors. However, ultimately addiction is a deeply spiritual issue. The addicted person always receives something real and tangible from the addiction, usually a sense of peace or an ability to cope or some other feeling of wellbeing we should only get from God. The addict pays for their peace or ability to cope by becoming physically and/or emotionally dependent on the substance. Eventually, the addict grows to love their addiction more than they love God or anything else. Choosing to live a life free of addiction also means we have less idolatry in our lives. 

And finally:

Boundaries.

Boundaries can be a good thing. A boundary is simply a limit we put up. Everyone needs a few boundaries in their life. Even Jesus said “no” sometimes (Mark 1:35-38, Luke 10:38-42, 2nd Corinthians 12:7-10, Acts 16:6-10) A boundaryless life is a fast-track to resentment, bitterness and disillusionment with God and people.  Boundaries are good and healthy until they become more important to us than obeying Jesus and doing the hard things He asks us to do, things like serving, honoring our parents and working through relational issues. When boundaries become a reason to say “no” to things that are obviously God’s will, they are an idol. 

Here’s the thing:

With the notable exception of addiction all the above-mentioned things are good things. God does NOT want anyone to dump their kids, divorce their spouse or scrap the whole notion of boundaries just because they let their love for those things get out of hand. Instead, He wants us to get into His word, find truth and the pray for wisdom in putting all things in their proper place. 

The Responsibilities Husbands and Wives Have to One Another in a Christian Marriage-

Lisa M. PriceLeave a comment

 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs. Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you- Ephesians 4:29a and 32 NIV

I recently experienced a low-level existential crisis. 

It all started when a young woman I tend to think of as a spiritual daughter asked for some advice on finding some good marriage books.  I am beyond proud of this girl for the way she is choosing to live her life. I was also honored she would consider me a trustworthy source of information on any subject but especially a subject as critical and personal as marriage. 

However. 

As a general rule, I am reluctant to recommend most marriage books. Mostly because the vast majority of marriage books base all or most of their instruction on the teaching found in Ephesians 5:22-33. There is nothing wrong with the instruction given in Ephesians 5:22-33. It’s a fundamental part of most marriage vows for good reason. The text lays out the roles in a Christian marriage. The husband’s is to lead and love his wife, the wife’s is to submit to and respect her husband.  The problem with relying entirely on this passage to teach about marriage (in my opinion) is that there is more to marriage than just roles.

There is also responsibility. 

Without a thorough understanding of our responsibilities to one another in a Christian marriage the discussion of roles tends to devolve into overly simplistic and sometimes hurtful teaching regarding incredibly complex issues. The best example is found in a popular marriage book that boils all the complexities of the marriage relationship down to love and respect. The book teaches all women want or need is to be loved by their husbands. Conversely, according to the author, all men want or need is to be respected by their wives. If a woman can learn to respect well and a man can learn to love well most marital problems will simply work themselves out. 

It sounds great (because it’s simple). 

However, the book ignores the fact that love cannot exist without respect. No one can sincerely love another person without respecting and behaving in a respectful manner towards that person. When a man is not respectful of his wife any love the woman has for him will die an ugly death sooner or later. It is possible to respect someone without loving (or even liking) them but respect without love always devolves into joyless duty and deep resentment at some point. 

Furthermore.

All Christians (male and female) are obligated to obey and submit to God above every human authority. If a husband instructs his wife to do something God forbids (looking at pornography, putting him above God, bringing another person into the relationship, etc.) then the wife is obligated to obey God—not her husband (Exodus 1:15-20, Acts 5:29, Exodus 20:3, Exodus 20:14). Truth-be-told Christian marriage is meant to reflect the love Jesus has for His people. Therefore, a marriage based entirely on duty or where one person lacks respect for the other is bad for everyone: the wife, the husband and especially the reputation of Jesus. 

Seriously. 

Roles are important in marriage. I would never attempt to argue otherwise. However, understanding our responsibilities as spouses is critical to working out the roles in marriage in way that reflects Jesus and His love for the church (Ephesians 5:25-33). Our responsibilities to one another in marriage are as follows: 

To be kind- 

No one has to like or agree with everything their spouse says, does or wants. Nevertheless, every interaction we have with our spouse should be colored with kindness (Romans 12:10, Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:12). This means we NEVER resort to name-calling, bullying, contempt or meanness, even when we are justifiably angry or attempting to work out a problem (Ephesians 4:14-15, Ephesians 4:26). 

To work to create an atmosphere of mutual cooperation-  

In most cases a marriage is doomed when one spouse always gets their way and the other spouse is always conceding to the other’s will. Marriage works best and is most reflective of Jesus when each person is seeking to cooperate with and please the other (Ephesians 5:21). In order to create an atmosphere of mutual cooperation everyone involved must be willing to compromise on issues like sex, how money is spent, who which family we celebrate the holidays with and how the kids are raised (1st Corinthians 7:2-5). 

To love our partner with the same love we have for ourself-  

Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, he answered by giving to two commandments equal weight (Mark 12:30-31). The first He gave is to love God, the second is to love one’s neighbor in the same way you love yourself. No one sane and healthy is unkind to themselves on purpose. Because our spouse is our closest neighbor it can be argued that no one really loves God if refuse to love the spouse God gave them. 

To follow the “golden rule”-

Everyone knows the golden rule: In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you (Matthew 7:12). Following the golden rule in marriage means we do (or don’t do) what we would want done (or not done) to the other person. This means we don’t interrupt or correct our spouse in front of other people because no one ENJOYS being interrupted or corrected in a public setting. It means we let the other person be the center of attention sometimes because we all want to be the center of attention sometimes.  It means both the husband and the wife care for and serve their spouse because everyone likes to be served and cared for.  

When both parties in the marriage seek to fulfill their responsibilities in marriage the issue of roles becomes less central and much less contentious. No one in the history of marriage has ever had to say: “you’re supposed to be submitting to my authority” or “I don’t feel loved” when both parties are kind and caring. No one pulls the submit card or accuses the other of being unloving when they are following the golden rule and seeking to create an atmosphere of mutual cooperation. 

It’s just not done. 

How Conflict can Save your Marriage-

Lisa M. PriceLeave a comment

So, I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.  Galatians 5:16 NLT

Through the years I have witnessed a lot of divorces and because the vast majority of my friends are Christians, most of those divorces were between couples I am convinced are genuine Christians.  The saddest and most common divorces have been between what I call “long-haulers”.

Long-haulers are couples who stay quietly but miserably married for two, sometimes three or even four decades. Then, seemingly out of nowhere in their fifties or sixties the couple announces to the shock of everyone they know they are getting a divorce

Divorce is never a blessed event. However, these types of divorces are heartbreaking on multiple levels. The people involved always end up feeling they have “wasted” the best, most productive years of their life in a relationship that brought little real intimacy or joy. Long-haulers nearly always have kids, grandkids, a vast network of friends and a church family who are all psychologically, emotionally and/or spiritually impacted by the divorce. Further complicating the whole messy mess, there is almost always is a disturbing lack of emotional, spiritual growth in long-haulers. The lack of growth occurs because both partners are too busy trying to manage the pain of the relationship to focus on their own spiritual development and health (Hebrews 2:1-3). 

The “reason” given for divorce in these types of marriages is almost always the hazy, vague catch-all term: “irreconcilable differences”. Irreconcilable differences simply means there was a very real conflict in the marriage that was never really dealt with openly or honestly (Ephesians 4:26). The unresolved conflict became, over time, a cancer in the relationship that eventually led to the death of the relationship. Sometimes the conflict was over sex.  Either the couple didn’t have much of it over the course of the marriage or one person in the relationship was having way more of it than the other (Exodus 20:14, 1st Corinthians 7:3-5, 1st Corinthians 6:18). Other times the conflict was over things as mundane as the division of labor in the relationship or as complex as money and how it’s allocated in the marriage. Always, the conflict was over communication. At some point it broke down and they stopped talking about everything in life that really matters, which led to isolation, which led to misery, which led to divorce.  

Here’s the thing:

I have had a lot of conversations with a lot of long-haulers and very long-hauler I have spoke with admitted their marriage COULD have been saved if they’d been willing to deal with the problems in the relationship early on. Many have also revealed they feared actually having an argument would make the problems worse. Their fear of conflict kept them from initiating the conflict that might have led to relational healing and a restoration of intimacy. 

Sigh.

The 5th Century military mastermind Sun Tzu once said “sometimes the path to peace is war”. Nowhere is this truer than in marriage. Conflicts that bring issues out into the open where they can be discussed and dealt with are the only path to true peace in a relationship.  

Following are four ways to leverage conflict for a healthy marriage:  

Find a way to discuss the problem- 

It doesn’t matter what kind of problems are present in the marriage. The problem can be sex, kids, in-laws, chores or money. Any problem that gets pushed to the margins and ignored simply creates a large space for the problem as well negative feelings about your spouse to fester and grow. At some point that one problem will begin to have an adverse effect on the rest of the relationship. If you can’t find a way to talk productively to each other get a professional involved. Whatever you do, don’t just hope the problem goes away. It won’t. If it doesn’t get fixed today it will still be there in thirty years and you will want a divorce (Proverbs 24:26, John 8:32). 

Deal with trust issues openly and honestly- 

At the root of bad or blocked communication in marriage is almost always a giant trust issue. This usually happens because there has been a history of sinful behavior with one partner. Sinful behavior includes emotional and/or physical affairs, use of pornography, verbal abuse, mishandling money or any other behavior that has caused one person to become distrustful of the other. The only way to deal with a trust issue is talking about it openly so real healing can take place in the relationship. Oftentimes a professional is needed to help heal the hurt that created the trust issue in the first place. 

No being mean when you talk about an issue- 

Whatever problem the two of you have is the enemy not your spouse. Find a way to deal with the issue at hand without being accusatory or cruel (Galatians 5:15, Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:12) . 

No quitting till the problem is worked out- 

The most important rule in any kind of conflict management is: no one gets to quit until the issues are truly resolved and healthy change has taken place in the relationship (Ephesians 4:26). Commit to staying at it until the problem is truly resolved.

Marriage is meant to be a picture of the relationship between Jesus and His people (Ephesians 5:21-33). It is the place where children are nurtured into adulthood and people grow up together. If marriage is done right it becomes a safe place for two people to grow into the image of Jesus. Those are the things worth fighting hard for.

 Literally. 

The Cultural Nosedive Continues-

Lisa M. Price1 Comment

  And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice- Romans 1:28-29 ESV

Western civilization has reached a significant milestone in its race to the bottom.

Parent-child marriage.

Yes. You read that statement correctly. Your eyes are not playing tricks on you.  Parent-child incest is the latest sexual deviancy our culture is seeking to normalize via the legal system in the name of “individual autonomy” and “personal fulfillment” (Romans 1:18-32).  Last week, I read an article about a parent in New York State who filed a lawsuit asking the court to overthrow the state’s prohibition of incestuous marriages.  Seriously. This is a true story.

Insert face palm here.

After reading the article I scanned the comments section of the article. Most readers were convinced this is a one-time deal limited in scope to a couple of oddballs who live in New York. 

I’m not so sure. 

Years ago, when the push began to normalize and legalize behavior traditionally thought to be sinful, we were assured there was no such thing as a “slippery slope”. We were promised redefining marriage would in no way lead to the normalization or legalization of pedophilia or polygamy or any other strange sexual peculiarities. Now throuple’s (romantic threesomes) are a thing and parents are petitioning the courts to marry their offspring. Young children are being given cross-sex hormones and having their perfectly healthy sex organs cut-off so doctors can replace those organs with a makeshift, frankensteins-monster facsimile. There are even some medical professionals who are arguing zealously and loudly that pedophilia and childhood sexual abuse are not the same thing at all (Mark 9:42) and all this nuttiness is thought to be perfectly normal by many.

All that being true. 

This situation in New York looks to me like the latest step in the downhill progression of nuttiness that happens when a society decides that there are no moral limits in the arena of sexuality. 

Incestuous marriages could very well catch on. Perhaps not everywhere with everyone, but it will likely become increasingly more common. Trust me: it is only a matter of time before a popular house hunting show presents a parent-child twosome looking for their “forever home” with absolutely zero judgment. Our culture lost its moral bearings long ago and this sort of thing is a really just a symptom of that reality not the actual problem. The problem is that most people in our society are unwilling to seek moral or even commonsense wisdom outside their own human brokenness (Proverbs 3:5-6). As long as we as society continue to lean on our own flawed understanding of life and sexuality the downward moral spiral will continue unabated. 

It’s painful to watch.

Mostly because to those of us who know Jesus the answer is so simple: turn to God in repentance (Acts 3:19). He will forgive and heal even our strangest desires if we humble ourselves and ask.  But, until our society gets to that point human beings will continue to degenerate and the courts will remain inclined to bless the never-ending moral freefall.  

Sigh. 

I suspect it will be a while before our culture hits bottom. In the meantime, there are some things Christians can and should do to be a part of the solution. First: 

Point people to Jesus- 

Pointing people to Jesus means reaching out to people who are different from us. We must listen with as little judgment as we can muster and ask leading questions about how these lifestyles are actually working for the people practicing them. As we get to know unsaved people it is essential we pray like crazy God gives them a vision for a healthier way of doing life. When that happens, we need to be there to show them the way. 

Live according to God’s design- 

This means get married, have or adopt kids, love your spouse enough to work through any issues that arise. It means no moral monkey business: no cheating, no secret addictions, no secret anything. Live life fully, joyfully and in such a way you can be completely transparent about every aspect of your life. Oh yeah, and get your butt to church. The world needs some good examples. 

Be kind-  

Please note: I did not say we should agree that sinful behavior is acceptable or healthy. Nor, did I say we should lie to people and tell them their sexual deviancy is normal, healthy or okay with God. It’s not and it’s not our job to sanction sin in the name of making people feel good about themselves. Nor should we politely ignore the growing nuttiness. That said, it is impossible to effectively help or even pray for someone we when we refuse to love them the way Jesus loves us. 

Life just keeps getting weirder. The good news is that the light of Jesus shines brightest in darkness. This is just one more opportunity for God’s people to shine for Him in a dark season (Isaiah 60:1-3, Matthew 5:16, Matthew 13:43). 

How a Marriage can Thrive in the Worst of Times-

Lisa M. Price1 Comment

How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity! For there the Lord bestows his blessing, even life forevermore- Psalm 133:1,3b NIV

 No marriage is immune from tough times.

 This is true no matter how compatible the couple or how much they both love Jesus. Marriage is hard because marriages involve people and people are universally weird, sinful and lacking in self-awareness. People do things all the time without understanding why they are doing them. Because the other person in the marriage is also a sinner they tend to interpret their spouse’s behavior and motivations in the most negative way imaginable. This weird dynamic is the trigger for most conflict in marriage. Throw in an irritating virus, a long quarantine, home schooling, financial concerns and the uncertainty that goes along with those stressors and even the healthiest marriages can get bumpy.   

 I will not lie.

COVID-19 has created some challenges in my usually happy marriage. We have experienced more conflict in the last eight weeks than in the previous eight years.  We are not alone. Every couple I know has struggled with conflict or hurt feelings in recent weeks.  Thankfully, the lockdowns are beginning to end. However, Coronavirus is not going anywhere and neither is the financial and emotional stress it has brought to families and marriages. Marriage is critically important to the health of families, churches and all of society. Therefore, married people must find ways to keep their relationships solid under the stress we are all experiencing.  It has helped me to remind myself of the following four realities as we learn to maneuver the new normal. 

 Remember:

 Everyone is stressed-

 I get this is rather obvious but sometimes we forget stress causes people to behave strangely and stressed-out people rarely realize they are behaving any differently than they normally do. Stress changes how we respond to situations and stimuli.  Someone who is typically laid-back and very patient with noise may become outraged when the kids are loud. Someone who is normally okay with disorder and chaos may morph into a controlling clean-freak. A normally tidy individual may become a total slob in stressful times.  The situation we find ourselves in is far more stressful than any most of us have experienced in our lifetimes. No one in our culture has a point of reference for a peculiar virus no one really understands, long periods of quarantine, political unrest, financial strain and the million different levels of fear and uncertainty this pandemic has produced. It is critical we take a step back when our spouse is behaving strangely. Ask questions about how the other person is feeling rather than simply walking away or responding to their unusual behavior in anger (Proverbs 15:1)

 You’re probably acting weird too-

 Self-examination is critical to relationship health.  This is especially true when life is challenging (Psalm 139:23-24, 2nd Corinthians 13:5). Take an inventory of yourself. Are you more withdrawn than usual? More aggressive? Less patient? Checked-out? Hyper-critical? Irritable?  Are you pretending everything is okay when it’s clearly not? Are you indulging in behaviors you normally avoid like drinking, cursing or fits of rage? If any of those things are true, spend some quality time seeking God and asking Him to help you figure out what is driving your behavior. Is it fear? Hopelessness? Anger? Putting a name to the feelings helps us to process our emotions in a healthy way. Once we understand why we are doing something it becomes much easier to stop doing it.

 Understand that everyone will come unraveled at some point-

 Everyone processes stress differently. Some get mad, others become despondent or enslaved to fear.  Some make futile attempts to avoid the thing that that’s causing them pain or worry.  I became emotionally unraveled the week prior to Easter. My private unraveling involved a lot of ranting and raving. I angerly questioned the wisdom of every rule and the motives and intelligence of the people making the rules. After a week of some shockingly aggressive behavior on my part and another week of the darkest depression I’ve ever experienced. I spent some time alone with God and came out the other side with a level of peace. I still have bad days but I’m okay. My husband’s unraveling took much longer and looked entirely different from mine, but it was every bit as real and unsettling.  It helps to be on the lookout for signs of emotional unraveling in yourself and others. Rather than becoming frustrated with your own or your partners response to the stress, take the time to pray for yourself and your partner. Give each other grace.  Look for creative ways to tangibly love your partner and care for each other right now.   

 Talking is always the answer-

 One of the worst things that can happen in a relationship is to make any topic off-limits. Talking through tough stuff is the only way to work through the issues. Push through any discomfort either of you feel and say what needs to be said. Say it in the kindest way possible and always be on the lookout for solutions rather than simply laying blame.

 Stress happens.

 How we respond to stress has the power to make or break our relationship. If we work with our spouse rather than against our spouse and choose to see them as our ally rather than our enemy we will come out of this better people with stronger relationships.

 

 

 

 

The How-to of Keeping any Relationship Healthy, Happy and Drama-free-

Lisa M. PriceLeave a comment

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift- Matthew 5:23-24

 Relationships.

 They are without question both the blessing and the bane of human existence.

 When our closest relationships are healthy and thriving, life is good.  When a close relationship goes bad there is literally nothing more miserable and angst-inducing.  

 In our chaotic, sin-sick world messy, fragmented relationships are pretty much the new normal.

Sigh.

Nearly, half of marriages end in divorce, friendships end as quickly as they begin, business relationships no longer stand the test of time and churches routinely split over the stupidest stuff imaginable.

Our culture has been steeped in a it’s “all about me” mentality of relationship care for decades now. This has created an environment where it feels natural, normal and healthy to treat relationships like disposable commodities. It is not at all unusual even for Christians to write-off relationships as “toxic” and move on with little thought to the consequences of doing so. We have forsaken the principle found in Proverbs that tells us we should never forsake a friend or even the friend of a family member (Proverbs 27:10a). 

 The Bible clearly teaches Christians bear an extra measure of responsibility when it comes to the care, keeping and healing of relationships. We are reminded over and over again in Scripture that human relationships are not always easy but the difficulties involved in developing and maintaining healthy relationships make us better people (Proverbs 27:6, Proverbs 27:17) and bring joy to our lives (Proverbs 17:17, Proverbs 18:24).  Christians are directed to treat others the way they want to be treated and commanded to take the initiative when it comes to reconciling broken relationships (Matthew 7:12, Ephesians 4:32, Matthew 5:23-24, Luke 12:58).  Repairing damaged relationships and helping others to do the same is probably the most basic task Christians are called to in this life (2nd Corinthians 5:12-18).  The process begins with understanding and choosing to live out six principles:

 If something feels wrong in a relationship assume something IS wrong-

 Never trivialize or ignore the niggling sense you may have caused offense or alienated another person (Proverbs 18:19). When in doubt ask how the other person is feeling and/or modify your behavior. The earlier a damaged relationship is attended to the easier it is to repair.

 Do not short-circuit the recovery process-

 Anytime we jump to simply restoring a broken relationship without working through the issues that fractured the relationship in the first place we set in motion a series of events that will inevitably lead to even more brokenness and hurt. Problems need to be talked out, not glossed over if we want to see permanent recovery in the relationship and personal growth in ourselves. 

 Be willing to assume at least partial responsibility for any relationship fracture-  

 I truly loathe the adage: “perception is reality”. Mostly because if you really break it down it sounds like something a super crazy person would say. However, when it comes to hurt in relationships perception really is reality. It is critical we remember ALL human beings tend to be self-absorbed and blind to their own faults. For that reason, it is possible to hurt another person without knowing how we hurt them. Healthy, mature believers are always open to the idea that they may not understand how their words or actions have affected another person

 Accept the other person’s opinions regarding the situation-

 If someone lets you know the relationship has been broken or feels they were wronged by you it is not wise, kind or emotionally intelligent to write that person off as stupid, incorrect, easily hurt or just plain clueless. As Christians we owe it to God and people to find out why others feel the way they feel about situations that involve us—even when we truly believe we have done nothing wrong.  Not caring about the other persons perspective is both painfully narcissistic and grossly sinful.  The only time we are free from the obligation of exploring the other person’s perspective is if the individual flatly refuses to communicate with us.

 Be willing to let some things go-

 Our personal relationships matter to God partly because relationship health is a measure of our spiritual health and maturity level. It is also reasonable to say that from God’s perspective relationships are nearly always worth preserving (Proverbs 17:9). The key to achieving relationship health is a willingness to let some things go. Cruelty, gas lighting, unfaithfulness in marriage or flagrant disrespect for the other person is never okay. That said, most other issues can be worked through if both parties are willing to listen, change and forgive. 

Choose to view relationship troubles as opportunities for growth- 

 No normal, healthy or sane human being likes to have problems in their personal relationships. That said, truly mature people view all problems including relationship problems as an opportunity for growth rather than a hassle or a personal attack.

 The health of our relationships really and truly is the greatest measure of our maturity. It is also a powerful witness to unbelievers. A God who has the power to help a person have happy, healthy relationships is a God worth following. For that reason, alone Christians should do everything they can do to ensure their relationships are healthy and God honoring. 

Seven Behaviors that Kill Marriages –

Lisa M. Price4 Comments


As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome person for kindling strife~ Proverbs 26:21 NIV

The benefits and blessings of a lasting marriage are just too innumerable to count.

In a healthy marriage we know another and are known by another in the deepest way possible in this life. In a healthy marriage we learn what both love and forgiveness look like. In a healthy Christian marriage we get to know Jesus a little better than we would have without the other person and the inevitable challenges marriage brings. 

All good things.

Besides the obvious and widely understood reasons for marriage failure (infidelity, selfishness, finances and in-law issues) most marriage failures are really just the sad result of a couple (well seven) behaviors and habits which always lead to a break in relationship. If broken relationships are not mended quickly and properly the end result is death of the relationship.

Those seven behaviors are:

Lies-

The ways human beings can be deceitful are nearly infinite. They include (but are not limited to) hiding things, emotional affairs, fabricating stories, infidelity, not telling the whole story and helping children to hide sin from the other parent. All deceitfulness is sin (Exodus 20, Leviticus 19:11, Colossians 3:9) and sin poisons marriages. Commit to keeping it honest in your marriage. This commitment will undoubtedly force you to suffer through some uncomfortable moments of truth-telling but overall you will have a healthier, happier more rewarding relationship.  

Disrespect-

With all due respect (no pun intended) to Emerson Eggerichs, author of the wildly popular book Love and Respect, who has made gobs of money peddling his theory women chiefly want to feel loved by their husbands while men care much more about feeling respected by their wives. Truth-be-told love simply cannot exist nor will it survive without respect for the other person being present in the relationship. Respect is an integral part of love whether the person is male or female. Romantic relationships lacking in mutual respect die ugly, horrifying deaths (1stPeter 2:17).  Furthermore, if you dig deep and ask questions of women you will find that even the most touchy-feely, girly-girl types of women need to FEEL respected in order to FEEL loved. We show our spouse respect by watching our words and being careful about the tone we use when speak to them. Husbands and wives who respect one another do not make decisions without consulting the other partner and they are always careful to speak well of their spouse to other people.  It is critical that both the husband and the wife endeavor to behave in a way that is respectful in order for marriages to go the distance (Titus 2:2, 1st Timothy 3:11). 

Addiction (including pornography addiction) – 

I am convinced that at the heart of all addiction is the sin of idolatry. Once an addiction takes root in a person’s life the addict gets something from the addictive behavior that they should only get from God (a sense of wellbeing, relief from stress, comfort, peace). Because idolatry is a serious sin, God cannot bless the relationships or life of someone who is willingly bowing down (metaphorically speaking) to a false god (Exodus 34:17,1st John 5:21). Pornography addiction compounds the whole messy mess because on top of the whole idolatry thing it is also the act of inviting a third party into a relationship designed by an all-knowing God only for two (Exodus 20:14, Hebrews 13:4). Even if the spouse is unaware of the pornography there will be spiritual and emotional consequences to viewing pornography. Intimacy will be compromised, walls will form and trust will be broken. These things can happen without the other person even understanding the nature of the problem. Just don’t. 

Lack of self-awareness on the part of one or both parties- 

Seriously. If a person is not aware of their own behavior and how their behavior is affecting other people they will never fix the problems in a relationship. Self-awareness comes through the practice of regular self-examination (1st Corinthians 11:28, 2nd Corinthians 13:5) and by looking for clues that we are loving our spouse in a way that makes them feel loved and cared for. 

Refusing to change-

No one knows it when they say “I do” but marriage is simply an invitation to change the attitudes and behaviors in our life that desperately need changing. For married people marriage is the tool God uses to reveal our selfishness, pride and relational shortcomings. If we respond to those revelations by changing our ways, marriage becomes the tool God uses to mold us into the people He wants us to be (Colossians 3:5-12). When we refuse to change the things in our life that cause us or others pain we are effectively refusing God and everything He wants to do in our lives. Refusing God never ends well (Hebrews 12:25).   

Unforgiveness-

“I forgive you” is more than just a syrupy sentiment or some empty words we utter to get the positive feels back into our relationship. Forgiveness is the choice to completely let go of hostility, resentment and the right to seek revenge for legitimate wrongs committed against us by another person. Forgiveness is without question the most arduous, gut wrenching, pride busting thing Christians are ordered to do (Matthew 6:15). It is also simply a fact that no marriage will survive without forgiveness (Colossians 3:13).

Expecting life to be fair and equal-

It won’t be, so the wise thing to do is to get over the notion everything should be fair and equal quickly (Luke 6:38). Marriage is never a fifty/fifty proposition. In a healthy marriage each partner is doing their best to give one hundred percent all the time but no one in the relationship EVER keeps score because scorekeeping always signals the beginning of the end of every marriage.  

I am convinced that even the most broken marriages can be healed if BOTH parties are willing to self-examine, humble themselves before God and their spouse, change their behavior and repent of their sins. God works powerfully through people and situations where there is a willingness to change and a heart willing to let go and forgive.

Language Matters when we Talk About Sin-

Lisa M. Price1 Comment

In spite of all this you say, ‘I am innocent; He is not angry with me.’ But I will pass judgment on you because you say, ‘I have not sinned’~ Jeremiah 2:34-36 NIV

 The world is a flaming-hot-dumpster-fire.

 Church attendance is down, biblical ignorance is up and Christian kids are leaving the faith quicker than rats abandoning a sinking ship. Thanks to immorality and bad behavior among church goers and leaders Christians have completely lost their moral authority. We will not be getting it back anytime soon. Those are just the problems inside the church.

The problems outside the church are bigger, messier and even trickier to solve.

 Gender confusion is officially the new normal. Being born with a penis or a vagina is no longer something to be evaluated when labeling someone male or female (Genesis 1:27). Mental health professionals and many educators have deemed normal masculinity as somehow toxic.  Drug use has become appallingly common among every age group and social demographic. Divorce has become so routine social commenters have coined the term “starter marriage”.  It is now considered an act of hate speech to suggest that anything someone might find pleasurable is somehow morally wrong.

 Sigh.

 I do not pretend that I know everything there is to know about everything. Most of the time I am painfully aware of the fact that I really don’t know what I don’t know about most stuff. However, there is one thing I do know for absolute certain. There is simply no way we will get out of the mess we’re in until the church takes the lead and gets back into the business of calling sin sin.   

 We have developed a habit in Christian circles of reframing sin in new (and far less offensive) terms. This issue was brought to my attention recently when I was asked to review a Bible study/curriculum intended to support, educate and guide women whose husbands have been routinely sexually immoral (adultery, pornography, homosexuality, etc.). All the women going through this particular curriculum are married to men who are professing Christians also attending a group for men who are caught up in sexual immorality.

 The authors of the curriculum clearly have good intentions. It’s obvious they want to help women who are suffering through no fault of their own. Good intentions notwithstanding, the execution of the program fails epically short. This is mostly due to the language the writers elected to use. Rather than labeling the men who have willfully chosen to disobey God and break their marriage vows repeatedly as adulterers or sexually immoral (Hebrews 13:5, Hebrews 12:16, 1st Corinthians 6:18-20). The men are simply referred to by the sanitary term of “sex addicts”. If the men begin sinning after a period of repentance their sexual immorality is called a “relapse”.  

 The women are instructed to be endlessly patient with their straying husbands and to do everything within their power to keep their marriages intact. Not once are the women coached to treat their stubbornly unrepentant husbands like unbelievers or to go to the elders of their Church and ask for church discipline to be applied to the cheaters (1st Timothy 1:20, 1st Corinthians 5:5). Instead the women were encouraged to “make a safety plan” in the event of a “relapse”. None of the safety plans given as examples included putting the guy out on the street until he gets his act together and repents permanently (Exodus 20:14, Proverbs 6:32, Matthew 5:27-28, 1st Corinthians 5:9-11).

 Insert eye roll here.

 It’s simply a fact that most of the men we refer to as “sex addicts” have experienced serious childhood trauma. The writers of the curriculum do an excellent job of explaining the roots of addiction and how childhood trauma can and does create addictive tendencies in some people. That being said, there was precious little said about personal holiness, taking personal responsibility for sin, the need for ongoing repentance or the role obedience to the Holy Spirit plays in living a life of holiness. Nor was there much said about God’s ability to permanently transform the heart and behavior of a sinful human being.

 Sadly, this is not the only example of reframing sinful behavior in more positive terms. Even in the church we call drug use a disease and drunkenness alcoholism. Even serious sins like adultery and theft have been renamed as “mistakes” or “moral failures” (Exodus 20:14-15). Language really does matter. And the language Christians are choosing to use is at least part of the reason many Christians are not taking personal responsibility for their sin.

Here’s the thing:

Sex addiction sounds like a virus someone caught due to no fault of their own while “sexual immorality” sounds like the terrible CHOICE it actually is. Addiction sounds like something outside of our control while “drunkenness” and “drug user” sound like the choices they are. No one can fix a problem they refuse to name or be honest about. Men who cheat on their wives are not sex addicts. They are people who have made the conscious choice to let their sin nature run wild. God will judge their choices if they refuse to repent (Hebrews 10:30, 1st Corinthians 6:9-10).

I am not proposing Christians attack unbelievers with words like “sinner” or “reprobate” (1st Corinthians 5:12). What unsaved people choose to do is between them and God. I am proposing we intentionally change the language we use inside the church to better reflect what’s really going on when a person commits adultery, lies or jumps headlong into drug use or excessive drinking. The church does no one any favors by calling sin anything but sin (Ephesians 4:15-16).

Behaviors and Attitudes to Avoid at all Costs to Keep Love Alive in a Marriage-

Lisa M. PriceLeave a comment

Whoever loves a quarrel loves sin; whoever builds a high gate invites destruction~ Proverbs 17:19 NIV

 Marriage season is upon us once again and because my husband and I have reached the stage in life where we get invited to attend a lot of weddings I have been thinking quite a bit about the subject of marriage.  More specifically I have been thinking about why some marriages go the distance and others don’t.

 Contemporary wisdom tells us that prevention is key to avoiding marital shipwrecks.  Finding the right person, getting the right counseling beforehand and “being ready for marriage” are exalted as the gold standard of divorce prevention. It would be the height of foolishness to argue against the need for relational compatibility and pre-marital counseling. The importance of those things is obvious, and while I don’t think anyone is ever truly “ready for marriage”. Reaching a certain level of maturity before getting married is without question helpful to the over-all success of any marriage.  

 That said.

 All the pre-marital preparation in the world will not overcome stupidity, meanness, willful sin or relationship mismanagement. What we do after the vows are said is every bit as important (if not more so) than what we do before they are said. There are a number of common blunders people make in marriage that go way beyond mere mistakes, poor choices or communication snafus.  There are behaviors and attitudes that will literally kill a marriage if they are not corrected (and repented of) quickly.  

 The seven marriage killers are:

 The silent treatment-

 The silent treatment is a control tactic used by narcissistic people to bring about change they want to see in the relationship without actually discussing issues or compromising on solutions to problems. The silent treatment is at best, a sign of serious emotional immaturity and at worst it is a serious form of abuse. Those who use it need to understand that it tends to backfire over time. In the beginning of a relationship most partners will respond to silence by doing whatever they think needs to be done to get the conversation started again and the relationship back on track. That said, healthy people will eventually tire of the game playing and begin to distance themselves emotionally from the silencer, if emotional distance is not course-corrected in a marriage divorce is almost always inevitable. It all comes down to learning to use your words and being willing to compromise (Ephesians 5:21). It’s what grown-ups do in grown-up relationships.   

 Pornography-

 Conventional “wisdom” tells us that pornography is only a problem if one party in the relationship objects or if one person looks at pornography without the other being present. This “wisdom” is worldly idiocy. Nothing does more to create an environment where sin can flourish or trust erodes between two people more quickly than pornography (Exodus 20:14). Looking at pornography is the act of bringing other people into the part of the relationship that was intended (by God) for only the husband and the wife. Bringing pornography into a marriage directly contradicts the command given in Hebrews 13:4 to “keep the marriage bed pure and undefiled”. Pornography is not an acceptable or smart way to “spice things up”.

 Deceit-

 Deceitfulness can take on many different forms including emotional affairs, physical affairs, hiding financial information or just generally keeping secrets from the other person. Whatever form deceitfulness takes it puts up walls in the relationship and destroys trust. Marriages simply will not survive without trust.  (Leviticus 19:11, Colossians 3:9, Proverbs 17:19, Deuteronomy 5:18).

 Using sex as a weapon–

 Sex is one of those sticky-wicket issues many couples avoid talking about to the detriment of their relationship. Don’t. Sex is one of the key reasons most people (especially Christian people) get married so it ought to be something we are very open about. Avoid getting in the habit of withholding sex as “punishment” for real or imagined offenses. It’s not nice and it’s not biblical (1stCorinthians 7:4).

 Disrespect-  

 Disrespect covers a whole range of behaviors. It encompasses screaming, rudeness, spitefulness and not taking the other person’s desires, preferences or needs into consideration.  The worst and most damaging kind of disrespect almost always involves the words we use (Proverbs 12:18, Colossians 4:6, Ephesians 4:29). Cursing, belittling or name-calling during a conflict is a surefire way to kill romantic love quickly.  If we all just obeyed the command Jesus gave in Matthew 7:12 and treated our spouse how we want to be treated the vast majority of marital problems would disappear overnight.

 Abuse-

  Seriously, this one is a no-brainer (Malachi 2:15-17). It should never be tolerated. If it’s a problem in your marriage get help immediately.

 Refusing to become a team-

 No marriage will survive unless the husband and the wife are both one-hundred percent committed to the good of the other. Once we say “I do” it ceases to be about us and becomes about the two of us (Matthew 19:5-6). Teamwork in marriage means willingly sacrificing our own personal wants, needs and desires at least some of the time for the good of the other person and the relationship (Ephesians 5:20-33) . If at any time sacrificing becomes habitually one-sided the team will crumble and so will the marriage.  

The bottom line:

Marriage is either a tiny preview of heaven on earth or the bane of our existence. There is rarely much middle ground. How it turns out is very much up to us. In order for a marriage to work BOTH parties must be willing to work hard, be humble, forgive freely and examine themselves often.

When we do that God blesses. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Five Behaviors that Transform even the most Toxic of Marriages-

Lisa M. PriceLeave a comment

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up~ Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV

 My husband and I have been married for a very long time and, like most marriages ours has gone through its fair share of ups and downs over the years. Through the good and the bad I have concluded that there is nothing in this world quite as great as a good marriage. Nothing is better or more rewarding in this life than the closeness, camaraderie and fun of a healthy, happy marriage.

Conversely.

A bad marriage is nothing short of hell on earth. There are simply no words to describe the awkward agony of waking-up every single day of your life next to the person you least want to talk to.

 It just sucks.

 All marriages (even the really great ones) inevitably go through at least one season where communication halts and the relationship feels doomed. During this period both parties inevitably wonder if it’s even worth it to keep trying.

 Like many young couples, that season came fairly early on in our marriage. We spent the better part of a really miserable year either squabbling bitterly over the most stupid stuff imaginable or giving each other the silent treatment over the same stupid stuff. Needless to say we were not “living our best life”. However at the end of that really awful year, we had worked through a horde of really thorny issues, our relationship was stronger and we were both better, happier, healthier people.

Everything that can be done to fix a bad marriage should be done. Every marriage is different and every situation is unique, so there is no one-size-fits-all solution to fixing a bad marriage. However, the following five recommendations can be a game-changer in even the most broken relationships:

 Choose to be kind no matter how the other person responds-

 Kindness is a quality conspicuously missing in unhappy marriages. Too often we wait for the other person to be kind before we show kindness. That sort of willful pride and stubbornness never yields anything healthy or good. In order for a healing process to begin, one person has to humble him or herself and commit to speaking kindly to—and doing thoughtful things for—the other person. Even if the other person acts like a jerk at first. Usually, the other person eventually responds in kind and the marriage gets a new beginning.    

Lay down your weapons-

 Each half of an unhappy couple has their own arsenal of verbal weapons they use to emotionally pummel their spouse. It might be calling the other person hurtful names or constantly reminding them of a past sin or bringing up a character flaw. Whatever it is, at the root of any arsenal is one of two things: either the sin of unforgiveness or pure meanness. whatever the case may be, I advise immediate repentance.

 Nix the silent treatment-

 Not everyone uses the silent treatment. Those who do, use it to shut down conversations they are too immature to have or as a tool to get their own way. People who employ this method have learned that if they clam-up for long enough, more often than not, the other person will eventually acquiesce to whatever they want just to end the awkwardness. The silent treatment is a self-indulgent, passive-aggressive power play that not only destroys marriages but friendships and even the parent-child bond. It’s dangerous because eventually the other person will weary of the perpetual game playing and either walk out on the relationship or stay, adjust to the silence and begin living their own life. Either way the relationship is for all intents and purposes over. If one or both parties need time to calm down, that’s fine, as long as things eventually get talked out.

 Call sin what it is and and make the choice to repent-

I am thankful for the modern psychology movement because it has helped us to understand the reasons why people do the weird, sinful things people do. That said, psychology has also helped to create an environment where we blame our sin on other people or trauma, rather than our own choice to respond to people or past trauma in a sinful way. It is not uncommon for Christians to blame genetics, stress, or a bad upbringing for behavior the Bible calls willful sinfulness. The bottom line is that no matter our experiences we are all responsible before God for what we do and don’t do. Everyone has the ability to make changes. Change begins with the acknowledgment that our behavior is sinful, even if the behavior or attitude has a genetic component or came about as a result of trauma. This must be followed-up with a commitment to obedience and permanent repentance.

 And finally, look at you. One characteristic common to all bad marriages is that both parties almost always have their focus firmly fixed on the bad behavior of their spouse. As a result, both parties are also unwilling to own-up to their own bad habits, problems. No one on a bad marriage is willing to acknowledge how their sin is creating chaos in the relationship. If you want to fix your marriage, stop focusing on what the other person is or isn’t doing. Instead, make a commitment to pray about what you need to change or begin doing so that you can become the husband or wife God wants you to be.