Category: Loving a prodigal

How to Best Love a Prodigal-

Lisa M. Price2 Comments

My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins- James 5:19-20 ESV

Love is an issue that doesn’t look particularly complex or messy on the surface, but it is.  Actions that look and feel loving sometimes aren’t and actions that appear harsh are sometimes the most loving course of action.  God’s love for humanity demonstrates this conundrum perfectly. God loves us more than anyone can even imagine (John 3:16, Romans 8:38-39). Nevertheless, God doesn’t always (ever) give anyone everything they want or think they need. God also frequently allows individuals to experience trouble, discomfort and hardship because struggles draw folks closer to Him and refine their character (Isaiah 48:10, James 1:1-3, Hebrews 12:5-7)

Like I said, it’s complex and messy.

The muddle promptly becomes messier when we are called to love a prodigal child. A prodigal can be defined as anyone who once knew God (or knew of God) and has since walked away from any pretense of a relationship with God. The Bible tells the story of a prodigal son who wandered far from God and estranged from his earthly father. 

Our world is full of prodigals. Many prodigals have also cut ties with their earthly parents.  This leaves parents wondering how to best love children who have wandered from home and left their parents brokenhearted by their choices. The biblical story of the prodigal son (Luke 11:15-32) is a story with more than one level and meaning. On one level it is a story about how God relates to people. It was intended to prepare the Jews (who represent the older brother) for God’s welcoming of the gentiles (who represent the younger brother) into His Kingdom through faith in the sacrifice of Jesus (Ephesians 2:1-22, Colossians 1:25-28, Galatians 3:28). On another level the story gives much needed guidance and wisdom as to how best love a wandering son or daughter.

We love a prodigal when we:

Understand the spiritual reality behind the child’s choice-

Most prodigals sever relationships with family for the same reason the prodigal son did. They want to live a life of sin. They know they cannot comfortably live a sinful life in front of the people who love them, so they do what the prodigal did. They make their choice to sever ties about the parent rather than their desire to live a sinful life.  (Luke 15:11-13). It’s critical parents of prodigals recognize that a child living in sin will avoid anyone whose presence sparks any kind of spiritual conviction. The choice to leave is not always all about the parent.  At least some of the choice is very much about the state of the child’s heart. 

Choose restraint-

One truly notable aspect of the prodigal account is the restraint of the father.  The man clearly loved his son. Nonetheless, he did not beg him to stay, nor did he send long letters or servants to plead with his son to return. He certainly did not endeavor to make his son’s life easier by sending him little gifts or monetary support.  Instead, the father let him go and prayed like crazy. He worked on himself and trusted God to do whatever hard thing needed to be done in the life of his child. His goal was not simply to reconnect with his son. He wanted his son back in right relationship with God because he understood that a right relationship with God is a healing force in all our earthly relationships. It is not wrong to attempt to connect with a wayward child. Adult children need to know they are loved unconditionally. That said, it is critical we trust the Lord and avoid using emotional appeals, money or gifts to lure them back into relationship. We must accept the reality that God may need to do some hard things in their life that simply cannot be done if mom and dad are “helping” too much or working too hard to win them back.  

Don’t affirm or celebrate anything God wouldn’t affirm or celebrate- 

Many of today’s prodigals demand their parents celebrate and affirm sinful lifestyle choices as a condition of continuing the relationship. This is wrong on many levels. It is critical parents do not allow their children to become idols (1st John 5:21). We cannot put their preferences before God and His commands (Exodus 20:3). Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to love someone without affirming their sinful choices. God does it all the time. 

Pray for them-

Refusing to forgive someone is a serious sin (Matthew 6:15, Matthew 18:21-35, Mark 11:25-26). Sadly, unforgiveness is at the heart of most estrangements. Furthermore, just like the prodigal in Luke 15 most prodigals are also tangled up in all sorts of other sins (1st Corinthians 6:9-11, Galatians 5:19, 2nd Timothy 3:1-5). Godly parents can best love a prodigal by praying fervently and often that the child “comes to their senses” and repent of their sins (Luke 15:17-19).

And finally, 

Keep growing- 

Waiting is never easy. Waiting for a prodigal is a whole new level of hard and the temptation to give into bitterness is real (Hebrews 12:15, Ephesians 4:31).  I am convinced God wants us to do what the father in the story did. The father trusted God do what needed to be done in his son. He never gave up hope and he never stopped praying for his child. I also believe (although the text doesn’t say it explicitly) that the father chose to grow as a believer and as a person while he waited. I suspect that hurting dad made a regular practice of examining his heart. Then he worked on the things he needed to work on and repented of the things he needed to repent of. It was his commitment to trusting, praying and spiritual growth that prepared him to welcome his son home with open arms, a soft heart and big party. 

Examining the Roots of the Estrangement Epidemic-

Lisa M. Price1 Comment

If someone says, “I love God,” and yet he hates his brother or sister, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother and sister whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen- 1st John 4:20 NASB

For much of human history family estrangements were fairly rare. Even the average heathen believed blood was thicker than water and that honoring one’s parents was just something decent people did (Exodus 20:12, Matthew 15:4, Mark 10:19, Ephesians 6:1-3). When estrangements did occur, there was shame in being alienated from one’s parents.

That ship has officially sailed. 

Self-reporting indicates that at least 85 million adults (one-fourth of the population) are estranged from at least one family member (usually their parents). Many are proudly estranged, some even tout estrangement as the ultimate in “self-care”.  

The number one reason given for an estrangement is nearly always “toxicity”. Toxicity is subjective. Toxicity is rarely defined as physical or sexual abuse or even cruelty. Instead, family members are commonly labeled “toxic” for far murkier issues which include (but are not limited to) voting the “wrong” way, offering unsolicited advice, or refusing to celebrate a gender transition. Adult children have also canceled family for attending the wrong church, using the wrong pronouns or having any expectations of the adult child.   

I understand not all parent-child relationships are idyllic. There are parents who were physically or sexually abusive who remain obstinately unrepentant.  There are also parents of adult children who are addicted to drugs, cruel, or abusive towards their grandchildren. In these cases, the adult child should forgive as God requires (Matthew 6:14-16, Matthew 18:21-35, Ephesians 4:32). However, it is also totally appropriate for said child to establish boundaries and honor their parents from a bit of a distance (honoring from a distance might look like text communication, photos, cards and infrequent visits). 

That said

 No one can find a single Bible verse that grants anyone permission to go “low” or “no contact” with family over anything as nebulous as “toxicity”.  Such verses simply do not exist. 

This is an issue that need to be brought into the light.

Many of the children who have gone “no contact” are professing Christians. Many of the parents who have been canceled by their children have no idea why.  Most churches are silent where this issue is concerned. This leaves all parties with no spiritual leadership or comfort when dealing with a family conflict.

The problem of estrangement is huge. It cannot be solved or even completely explored in a blogpost. However, it is possible to shed some light on how we got here. Like most cultural phenomenon the estrangement epidemic has roots. In recent decades there have been dramatic cultural changes in how children are viewed and parented; as well as some profound changes in the value placed on relationships. I suspect much of the cultural transformation was brought on by:

Therapy culture- 

Even many Christians have traded biblical counsel and common-sense advice for secular therapy. A wise and godly counselor is literally worth their weight in gold (Proverbs 11:14, Proverbs 24:6). However, a bad therapist is one of the most dangerous forces on earth (Proverbs 12:5). Unfortunately, there are therapists who will gleefully diagnose parents they have never met with serious disorders such as narcissism or borderline personality disorder. Some therapists literally specialize in helping young adults estrange from their families. With this type of therapy there is no goal of reconciliation or mutual compromise. The only goal is separation and conflict. No therapist (no matter how skilled) can effectively diagnose anyone without at least one meeting. Furthermore, any therapist who does not at least attempt to get both sides of the story before recommending estrangement is guilty of malpractice (Proverbs 18:17, Psalm 1:1). Run from such people. 

A pathological refusal to forgive-

Many parents are bad parents in a way that does not constitute physical or sexual abuse. Some parents were/are emotionally distant. Others divorced and lived their own lives with little thought or regard to the needs of their offspring. Some parents yelled too much or were controlling or did not allow enough space for personal expression (Ephesians 6:4).  There are at least a million ways parents can fail and most do in one way or another. However, the commandments that mandate forgiveness and honoring parents are unconditional. God’s word simply leaves no legitimate wiggle room for any course of action except obedience.  Alas, forgiveness is no longer in fashion, even for the smallest of offenses or unintentional mistakes. Instead, many Christians and virtually all unbelievers label the person a who offended them a filthy name and move on. This attitude runs counter to Scripture, ruins those who refuse to forgive and destroys any opportunity for generational healing. 

An idolized view of children- 

An idol is anything or anyone that gets first place in our lives. For at least a generation, parents have been encouraged to idolize their children. Children have been told by parents and teachers they are really special, and their feelings are always super important. The goal has been to make kids feel good about themselves regardless of what they do or how they behave. Sacrificing for a child’s wellbeing has always been a standard of good parenting. However, today’s parents are encouraged to sacrifice so their kids can have luxuries previous generations reserved for adults who had worked hard all their lives.  If an individual is treated like an idol, no one should be surprised when they start behaving as if they are a god who has the right to determine their own destiny.  Is it any wonder that an entire generation has concluded they can determine their own gender and cut people out of their lives without an explanation? 

Christians cannot control what unbelievers do or don’t do (1st Corinthians 5:12). If unbelievers continue to choose the dangerous path of embracing idolatry, hate and division, we have to let them. Our responsibility is to pray they have a change of heart before any more heartbreak ensues. Christians, on the other hand are called to embrace the heart of God (2nd Corinthians 13:11). This means we seek healing, peace and wholeness in every relationship (Romans 12:18, Hebrews 12:15). Churches and Church leaders must ask questions when presented with an estranged family and not assume they know who is at fault. Pastors must return to encouraging healing and forgiveness in families. Refusing to do so will only lead to more brokenness, pain and evil. It will result in the removal of God’s blessing (2nd Timothy 3:1-5). No one sane wants that. 

Six Prayers Every Prodigal Desperately Needs Someone to Pray for Them-

Lisa M. Price1 Comment

This is what the Lord says: “Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears; For your work will be rewarded,” declares the Lord, “And they will return from the land of the enemy.  There is hope for your future,” declares the Lord, “And your children will return to their own territory- Jeremiah 31:16-17 NASB

Prodigal. 

In the Greek it means “wasteful”, “extravagant” or “reckless”. 

A prodigal is anyone who knows about God who has chosen to live their life apart from God. Spiritually speaking this type of living is extravagantly “reckless” and “wasteful”. Christians most commonly use the word prodigal to describe a child who grew up in a Christian home and has chosen to walk away from what they were taught (Luke 15:11-32). 

There are a lot of prodigals in this world (2nd Timothy 3:1-5). 

Some have chosen to ignore God and live their lives as if He doesn’t exist, others openly rebel against Him (Psalm 14:1). Sadly, a good number of prodigals have walked away from their families as well.  The reasons for the spiritual defection are varied. Some had negative experiences with church as children or young adults that soured them on Christianity. Some prodigals simply love sin more than they love God. Some had questions or concerns about Christianity that never got answered. Still others have been ensnared by a toxic therapy culture which encourages people to ditch anyone or anything (including God or the families that raised them) that does not make them feel great about every choice they make. 

To the people who love them a prodigal is a walking heartbreak. 

The most valuable thing anyone can do for a prodigal (child, sibling, friend or parent) is to pray for them. No one has ever been talked out of a life of sin, self-interest, or debauchery. Nonetheless many people have been prayed out of such things and into the kingdom of God (Romans 8:26, 1st Corinthians 6:9-11).  Sometimes family members find themselves at loss as to HOW to pray for their prodigal. The spiritual condition of a prodigal is precarious. They have willfully denied truth.  This choice will lead nowhere good without an intervention from the Holy Spirit. Therefore, hard prayers are very much in order. Following are five prayers every prodigal needs someone to pray for them daily. 

Pray they will weary of worldliness and sin-

When we choose not to follow God we always choose worldliness or sin of some sort. The thing about sin and worldliness is that they will never satisfy the soul, bring peace or deliver what they promised. Truth-be-told, worldliness and sin do the exact opposite, sin always leaves the sinner in turmoil and wanting more. Pray your prodigal will experience in their soul the emptiness of sin and weary of the life they have chosen. 

Pray their pride will be broken-

Anyone who looks around at the way this world was created and chooses to conclude there is no God is irrational and arrogant (Romans 1:18-20, Psalm 14:1).  Those who believe there is a God but also believe they do not need God or are above bowing their knee to God is bloated with pride (Proverbs 16:18). One or the other of these scenarios is a reality with all prodigals. Those who love a prodigal must pray that God will do what needs to be done to get their prodigal to a place where they set aside their pride and submit their life to the leadership of the God who made them (Luke 15:14-20).  

Pray they will be surrounded by people who know and love God-

Because of pride and/or shame few prodigals seek out their family members for advice or spiritual wisdom even when they want or need it. Therefore, it is critical every prodigal has at least one person in their life who loves Jesus. We must pray that God will surround our loved one with spirit-led Christians who will love them with the love of Jesus and speak truth to them. 

Pray deception will be lifted so they can see the truth- 

The goal of Satan is to blind people to the truth of God so that they will reject God (2nd Thessalonians 2:9-10, 1stPeter 5:8). Satan uses lies and deception to keep prodigals from seeing where their choices will eventually lead them. It is critical we pray that the any deception the enemy is using to divert or deceive our loved one will be lifted so that are capable of seeing spiritual and moral truth. 

Pray they will see the underbelly of whatever lifestyle they have chosen over God- 

Many prodigals leave what they have been taught about God to embrace a lifestyle that is contrary to biblical teaching. Those lifestyles are often centered around sexual immorality of one sort or another (promiscuity, adultery, homosexuality, transgenderism). All these lifestyles feel good (at least in the beginning) but they all have an ugly underbelly, a dark side that people need to see so they will want to break free of spiritual bondage that accompanies those choices.  Pray your loved one will have the eyes to see what’s wrong and icky with the life they have chosen.

And finally, 

Pray they will come to understand how deeply God loves them. I am convinced prodigals never really knew God or understood how much He loves them. If they did, they would never have walked away. Pray your prodigal will come to understand the depth of the love God has for them (Zephaniah 3:17, John 3:16, Romans 8:37-39, Ephesians 2:4-5) Knowledge and gut-level understanding of God’s love is total gamechanger in the life of a prodigal. 

Every. Single. Time.