Category: Finding meaning in suffering

Healing from the Hurt of Estrangement-

Lisa M. Price1 Comment


 From now on five members in one household will be divided, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law- Luke 12:52-53 NASB

The estrangement phenomenon is more than just a blip on the cultural radar.  Estrangement now qualifies as a bona fide movement. Young adults from every walk of life are going “no-contact” with family members (mostly parents). Estrangement is touted by therapists and supporters as the pinnacle of self-care, self-love and protecting the peace.  There are books available on how to estrange. There are therapists who specialize in helping individuals walk through the no-contact process. There are even support groups that offer encouragement for those who have estranged from their families. 

This whole messy mess was prophesied in Scripture. 

Jesus promised that His teachings and godly values would divide families against one another (Matthew 10:35, Luke 12:53-54, Matthew 24:10). The apostle Paul predicted there would come a day when selfishness, pride, arrogance and unforgiveness would cause adult children to lose natural affection for their family members (2ndTimothy 3:1-5). It was also predicted there would come a day when folks would be unwilling to listen to any teaching that encouraged anything they were not interested in (2nd Timothy 4:3-4). Sadly, this includes forgiveness and sacrificial love for family members (Romans 12:10, 1st Corinthians 13:4-7, Romans 1:28-32).  

Children estrange for a variety of reasons, oftentimes without much advanced warning. Some estrange due to disagreements regarding gender, sexuality, religion, politics and social issue. Most young adults who estrange list abuse as at least one of their motivations for separation. To be fair, there is some generational dispute about what exactly constitutes an abusive childhood. Older adults tend to feel physical abuse, calling a child dehumanizing names and denying a child basic needs is abusive. Younger adults sincerely believe feeling “unseen”, getting in trouble for disobeying parents and not being affirmed for their choices all qualify as abuse.

I will let the Lord sort all that out. It’s above my meager pay grade.

For parents who have children who have estranged the why is often secondary to the hurt, confusion and pain they feel over the loss. Most report estrangement leaving a wound that feels as if it will never heal. Thankfully, God can heal any wound (Psalm 30:2, Psalm 41:4, Psalm 147:3, 1st Peter 2:24) even one as painful as estrangement. Healing doesn’t just happen, in order to receive healing parents must cooperate with God through the process. Healing begins when we choose to: 

Take our cues from the prodigal father- 

When a child goes no contact parents are left in shock. Few saw it coming, most feel an overwhelming desire to help the child see reason.  Helping the child “see reason” typically involves a lot of conversation and texting. Some parents send money or gifts.  Others solicit friends, family and clergy to act as intermediaries. Interestingly, this is the exact opposite of what the prodigal father chose to do (Luke 15:11-32). When his son chose to go no-contact the father did something counter-intuitive, he let his son go and he waited. He didn’t go after his son and beg him to see reason. He didn’t send servants to check and see if his kid was okay, nor did he send little gifts in an attempt to lure the child back into the fold. The father simply kept the door open as he waited for his son to learn whatever hard lessons needed to be learned. When the son came home the father rejoiced and greeted his wayward son in a spirit of compassion and tenderness (more on this later). 

Work on ourselves-

No one in the history of forever as ever done life or parenting perfectly (Romans 3:23, 1st John 1:10). Everyone messes up. This means there are always things that can be acknowledged as mistakes and character issues that can be worked on (2nd Peter 1:3-11, Colossians 3). Acknowledging flaws and choosing to work on ourselves isn’t weakness, nor is it conceding the estrangement was somehow deserved because we behaved like normal human beings who routinely make mistakes. Working on ourselves is simply a humble way to respond to a difficult set of circumstances. Sadly, choosing to act in humility rather than pride is not guaranteed to bring the child back. However, it will ensure Mom or Dad come out the situation a better person no matter what the young adult chooses to do. 

Prepare for the best trust God for the worst-  

Obviously, in no-contact situation the best conceivable outcome is restoration of the relationship (Luke 15:17-23). However, parents must understand that even if their child returns the relationship will not be the same, nor should it be. If there is a no-contact situation, it means, there was brokenness in the relationship that was never recognized.  This is where prayer comes in, it is critical parents pray for their child to come to a place of forgiveness and obedience to God.  They must also the relationship will someday be rebuilt on a better foundation. Parents need to be prepared for hard conversations and truth telling on both sides (Galatians 6:1, James 5:16). No one can prepare for that without God’s help. There is also the possibility the child will never return. In these cases, it is up to the parent to trust God with the soul of their child.  (Luke 15:7, Mark 10:27). 

And finally: 

Forgive- 

Only a few real sickos deliberately hurt their kids. Most parents worked really hard to do the best they could with what they knew at the time.  It is terribly wounding when the child a parent worked hard to love, teach and provide for rejects the efforts that were made and chooses to dwell only on the negative. Parents are NOT commanded to agree with every assessment a child has made concerning the parenting they received. However, every Christian is called to forgive those who wound us (Matthew 6:15, Matthew 18:20-22). Forgiveness means prayer, lots of prayer. Forgiveness, means giving our hurt, pain and disillusionment up to the Lord until the offendedness, hurt and disappointment is replaced with love and grace.  

Biblical Counsel for Surviving “One of Those Days”-

Lisa M. PriceLeave a comment

Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. – Psalm 90:14 ESV

A couple of weeks back, I came across a verse that spoke so perfectly to my situation that day I literally laughed out loud, it said: 

Now on one of those days- Luke 8:22a NASB 

 Every human on earth has days when in spite of their best efforts and most fervent prayers nothing goes the way it’s supposed to go.  Other times one of those days is a day when everything is going along okay, then out of nowhere all hell breaks loose and nothing feels good or secure anymore. The details are different in different situations. However, the bottom line is always the same. One of those days is a day (or series of days) where everything goes bad and we find ourselves stuck in a trial and it feels like there is no way it could possibly end in anything but more pain and trouble (John 16:33).

For the disciples their “one of those days” involved a nasty storm that appeared without warning and a Jesus who seemed to be unaware and even indifferent to their panic. For the rest of us, one of those days can comprise almost any set of icky circumstances: a sick spouse, a wayward child, a difficult coworker, a financial disaster, a painful marriage or a loss that has left a hole in our heart. Those days almost always involve the sense that Jesus is oblivious and/or unfeeling towards our situation. In a world as fallen as this one, those days are an unfortunate and inevitable part of life. That said, how we choose to handle those days will define our life and impact how we live out our Christianity.  Following are five things we should do when we find ourselves in “one of those days”. The first is:

Go to Jesus-

To the disciples’ credit this appears to be the very first thing they did (Luke 8:24). It was also without a doubt the smartest thing they could have done. When our first response in a crisis or a trial is to go to our Savior and ask for His help, comfort and direction it helps prevent panic from setting in and enables us to think more clearly. Going to Jesus first reminds our frail, doubting hearts we have not been abandoned in the trial (Psalm 23:4, Isaiah 41:10, Matthew 28:20, Hebrews 13:5). Going to Jesus reminds us God is with us. That knowledge gives us the strength we need to make it to the other side of the storm.  

Embrace the reality that the day is no accident-

In 1st Thessalonians 3:3 the Apostle Paul reminds his readers not to become unsettled by trials because “we were destined for them”. No one really likes a trial. However, understanding the purpose of trials does help make them less painful to process.  God allows us to experience trials so that we can learn to lean on God and become more like Jesus in everything we do (Hebrews 2:9-10, Hebrews 2:18). Trials serve another purpose; trials give us the experience we need to help others suffering through similar circumstances (2nd Corinthians 1:1-6). When Christians choose to help the hurting and marginalized our love for one another shows the world just how real our God is (1st Corinthians 12:7, Ephesians 4:12-13). 

Lean on those around you-

Human beings were never meant to do life solo (Genesis 2:18). We were literally made for relationship with God and with one another. In the earliest days of the Church, we see Christians embracing community and caring for one another (Acts 2:42-47, Hebrews 10:24). Meaningful relationships make the Christian life both easier and more joyful. The best way to manage a difficult day or survive a tough season is with our brothers and sisters in Christ cheering us on (1st Peter 4:8). However, the time to cultivate Christian community is not on “one of those days”. The time to cultivate community is in the easy seasons when life is relatively calm. It’s never too early or too late to begin the process of building healthy relationships in the body of Christ. 

Be open to learning whatever needs to be learned- 

God is good even on one of those days. God demonstrates His goodness by working ALL things out for our eternal good and His eternal glory (Romans 8:28). One way He works things out for our good is by using the difficult circumstances of our lives to help us grow into the people He wants us to become for eternity (2nd Corinthians 4:18). This means trials have a purpose greater than just making us miserable or teaching us things we need to learn about ourselves. Trials refine us and make us better. They also make us better suited for life in heaven. However, in order for trials to work out for our good (James 1:2-4) we must be willing to cooperate with God through the trial. This means being open to learning whatever it is we need to learn. 

And finally, 

Look for someone else to bless- 

Those days are called “those days” because they aren’t easy. One counter-intuitive way to make a hard day better is to look for someone else in worse circumstances to help or bless. Blessing others is not magic. It will not make trial go away.  It will take our minds of ourselves and enable another hurting person to feel the love of Jesus.  

What to do when Life Literally Makes no Sense-

Lisa M. PriceLeave a comment

Guard my soul and save me; Do not let me be ashamed, for I take refuge in You.
Let integrity and uprightness protect me, For I wait for You- Psalm 25:20b-21 NASB

Anyone who lives in this sin-sick world for long enough will experience a season where literally nothing makes any sense at all (John 16:33, Ephesians 6:10-11).

 This is a universal reality. No one gets a pass.   

Sooner or later, it all goes south, sometimes all at once. Your health fails, a cherished spouse dies too soon. Someone you presumed was a friend or an ally turns on you. Your spouse is unfaithful. The kids you did your best to raise right, go terribly wrong. The job or business you believed would always provide is gone and your finances fall apart. 

Sigh.

These experiences are just the predictable outcome of life in a fallen world, even for Christians. It could even be argued that Christians experience these seasons with greater frequency than non-Christians. No one really understands the why of this reality. However, the book of Job seems to indicate that Satan delights in creating misery in the lives of those who love God and are called according to His purposes (Job 1:1-22, Romans 8:28-29). The book of First Peter tells us that although God is not the author of our misery, He does use trials, tribulations and heartbreak to “refine” us and make us more like Jesus (1st Peter 1:3-9, James 1:2-4, 2nd Corinthians 4:7-11). Because we live in a fallen world, surrounded by fallen people, we will all at some point, face the challenge of not just surviving a tough season with our faith intact but also coming out of it more like Jesus in every way. 

David is our go-to guy for surviving and even thriving through a confusing season. He experienced all sorts of spiritually perplexing situations. It appears that he was the least favored of his brothers for no obvious reason. He was anointed King over Israel and immediately began experiencing the exact opposite of a royal treatment. For at least a solid decade David was mistreated, persecuted and hunted down like an animal, all due to a lesser man’s jealousy. Later in life, his beloved son (Absolom) turned on him and attempted to take his kingdom.

In one sense, David wasn’t special, all Christians experience difficult and perplexing seasons.  Whether or not we survive will depend on our choices. Following are three things we can do when nothing makes sense. None are guaranteed to make your problems go away, however they will ensure your spiritual survival. It all starts with;

Doing what God puts in front of you to do-

For whatever reason, seasons that make no sense often coincide with a season of seeking God for wisdom and direction. In these times we want God to give us some clear and obvious “do this” or “don’t do this” kind of instruction. Sadly, God almost never gives anyone a clear to-do list. Instead, God gives us tasks and the ability to get them done (Ecclesiastes 9:10). Prior to taking the throne, God gave David men to lead, a family to raise and theology to work out in song. All these tasks served the purpose of equipping David for the larger task of leading a nation. God hasn’t changed. In tough times He gives us coworkers to influence, spouses to love, kids to raise for His glory, families to lead, and churches to run. Faithfully doing the task in front of us pleases God and prepares us for whatever’s next.  

Pray prayers of gratitude- 

Seasons where nothing makes sense are spiritually baffling, and if our confusion is not dealt with correctly it can lead to resentment, fear, bitterness and even unbelief (Hebrews 12:15). There is an anecdote to spiritual confusion. It’s prayer, specifically, prayers of gratitude that express faith in God’s goodness. David often vented his frustration to God in his Psalms (Psalm 35:11-26, Psalm 36:1-4, Psalm 54:1-3). However, even in his darkest moments David ALSO took time to express his gratitude to and faith in God (Psalm 35:27-28, Psalm 36:5-12, Psalm 37, Psalm 54:4-7).   It is not easy to express faith and gratitude when we are deep in the weeds of personal suffering. However, choosing to do so will guarantee that our soul prospers even in the darkest of times

Wait on the Lord with a Hebrews eleven perspective- 

 Even under the best of circumstances there are elements of life that are hard. Under the worst of circumstances life can challenge our belief in a good God (Hebrews 11:32-40). God understands this reality (Hebrews 14:15). Therefore, nothing pleases God more than when we choose to see Him as good even when life is hard. Seeing God as good amid horrendous circumstances is the essence of faith (Hebrews 11:1-2) and the fast track to flourishing through tough times.

Our goal should not be to just endure sorrow and suffering. Our spiritual goal should be to see our souls prosper even under persecution, pain and difficulties. David understood that suffering, especially for those who love God cannot be wrapped up neatly in a bow and explained easily. There is a mystery to it.  It is possible to “walk through the valley of the shadow of death” and still know deep in our soul that God is the good shepherd loving and protecting us through it all (Psalm 23:1-6).  

Takeaways from the Book of Job-

Lisa M. PriceLeave a comment

Despite all this, Job did not sin, nor did he blame God- Job 1:22 NASB

NO ONE actually LOVES the book of Job. 

There are those who wax eloquent about the literary merits of the book. However, when pressed, even those folks admit there is little to love about the actual story. It’s just kind of sad. 

It goes like this: 

There’s this really awesome guy named Job. Job does all the right things. He loves God and his family. Job shuns evil and is honest. Job worries about the spiritual condition of his kids and does his level best to be an all-around stand-up guy in every area of his life (Job 1:1-5, Job 1:8). 

God digs him.

Then one day, out of the blue, Satan rolls up uninvited to what appears to be some sort of an angelic roll call (Job 1:6).  Satan informs God he’s been roaming the earth looking for decent people he can accuse of evil (Revelation 12:10). God proudly points to Job as an outstanding example of humanity. Satan immediately accuses Job of only loving God because God has blessed Job with all sorts of good things (wealth, property, good health, a great family). God tells Satan Job’s love for Him is genuine. 

God and Satan make a deal.

God tells Satan he can take everything from Job except his life (Job 1:12). Satan gets the job done in short order. Job loses his wealth, his health, his home, and even his kids all in the course of a few hours. The only thing Satan doesn’t take is Job’s wife, which is kind of a bummer because she’s not exactly supportive. The most encouraging thing she does in the whole book is to tell Job to “curse God and die” (Job 2:9). Then Job’s friends, (the worst friends ever) show up to “comfort” Job.  They accuse Job of all sorts of secret sins and give him oodles of misguided advice. Then, just when you begin to think they are never going to stop harassing poor Job, God shows up and sets everyone straight.  (Job 38-41, Job 42:7-9). 

The story does have a happy-ish ending

God restores Job’s fortune; his family shows up to comfort him and in time, Job is blessed with seven sons and three (really pretty) daughters. Job lives a long life and he continues to be an upstanding guy who pleases God (Job 42:10-17).  

It’s good stuff. 

Nonetheless, (in my opinion) the happy ending is obfuscated by the utter gloominess of the account.  All that being said, Job’s story is in the Bible because there is much we can learn from it (2nd Timothy 3:16). The book has value whether we are going through something terrible or helping someone who is. Following are six take-aways from the book of Job:

There’s more to our trials than just pain- 

Job teaches that all trials serve some sort of a purpose. Normally, the purpose goes beyond proving the devil wrong about something. God uses trials to teach us and mold us into the image of Jesus. We get the most out of a trial when we choose to keep our hearts soft towards God and continue to seek Him in the middle of our pain and confusion (Job 1:22, 1st Peter 1:3-7, James 1:2-4). We need to understand, like Job did, that the point of this life is to prepare us to spend eternity with God and sometimes trials bring about that end (Job 19:25-26). 

Not all truth applies to every person or situation-  

Job’s friends were jerks (Job 42:7-9). Nonetheless, they were not wrong about every single thing they said, they were actually right about a lot of things. However, none of what they were right about applied directly to Job (Proverbs 18:13, Proverbs 18:17) They were convinced God must be punishing Job for SOMETHING. Nonetheless, Job was one-hundred-percent blameless. The book of Job teaches the importance of truly understanding all the particulars of a situation before we make judgments about the people involved (Proverbs 18:21).  

Sometimes it’s better to listen rather than speak-

Job’s friends made a mistake most people make at some point: they were quick to share their “wisdom” without hearing what was being said or understanding the particulars of the situation. When someone is hurting sometimes all they need is to feel understood (James 1:19, Proverbs 13:3, Proverbs 20:12). Once a person feels heard and cared for they will be more willing to hear and apply any advice that should be given.

God doesn’t always give answers but He’s still good-  

Job had a lot of (really good) questions for God and God never answered a single one of them.  Zilch. Zero. Nada. This does not mean God didn’t love Job or care about what he was going through. The book clearly teaches that God loved Job and blessed him for his faith and obedience in spite of some pretty gnarly circumstances. He does the same for us. 

Praying for the jerks who hurt us pleases God-

It just does. Job 42:10 proves it. The second Job got done praying for his awful friends God blessed Job with twice what he had before. God hasn’t changed. He still loves it when we pray for awful people who don’t deserve our prayers.  

And finally:

We should assume that our faith-filled response to pain is all God really wants from us when the very foundations of our lives are shaken (Psalm 16:8, Psalm 112:6, Hebrews 12:28). Job teaches that God richly rewards those who praise Him in the midst of the storms of life (Job1:21). God loves faith (Hebrews 11:6, Matthew 9:20-22, Luke 17:6) and there is no greater expression of faith than choosing to praise, honor and glorify God when there appears to be zero reason to do so.